Life

A friend took this. Working on a Linhoff large format camera, between the clothes, the working on the camera, the metal press, pepsi can, concrete walls, etc.. pretty much gives away my life in a single shot. I want to learn more about the Linhoff, dad was getting into large format photography before he died, and I'd like to give it a shot. But then I want to also get into the Roleflex and the other 35mm cameras we have floating about the house. I miss taking real pictures. At any rate, I'm done for now. More later.

Health Insurance!

A more relative blog post today. Yesterday my brother and I went to one of the local hospitals looking to get me on Mass Health Care, which is Health Insurance for those who can't afford it, can't work, what ever. Which suits me, because I'm in pain, a lot. 

So I'd been hurting most of the day, but not intolerably, and the ride over wasn't too terrible, I had been walking with a cane most of the day. Well the hobbling through the hospital put the final touches on my body and by the time we got to the ER which is where the lady was at that time of day, they had to go find me a wheel chair. By the time the woman came out to see me I was quite literally crying from the pain in my chest, back, and ribs. 

I will have health care in 5-9 days, and may be put on disability as well, which would be wonderful as that would take away a lot of my being a burden to my family, and to myself. It would allow me to be able to get around again legally, and just not feel so helpless all the time. 

It's the hardest thing in the world to know what your capable of, what your mind can do, and to not be able to do it because your body just won't cooperate. There are times when I think, well maybe it's just all in my head, and if I just try hard enough I'll be able to get up and run for miles, but then I go to get up and the pain is staggering. 

So this is progress. This is most serious progress, because I just can't take much more bad breaks. 

KZ1000

Well I dragged it out today and these are the results... 

Never Alone

This is one of my older favorite songs, saw these guys live 3x before I was 16. Local band, Boston Band, even if I'm a Worcester guy. Am I a skin head? No, not in the least. But am I irish? A bit, am I from this part of MA? Hell Ya. Do I understand it? Yes. So there you go. 

Gonna go to the Hospital today to try to get some health insurance. Fun.

Secret World

Listening to Peter Gabriel's Secret World, which is an excellent song. Listening to a live version, see it here:

It is such a wonderful song. I saw Kyle tonight, he came by with Brent and a friend of his from BU which was really very cool. I'm so proud of "the boy" as we used to call him, even if he is now 22, and we are no longer so much older than he. Amazing the difference between 22 and 25 vs 14 and 18. But he has been my best friend for that long, since he was the boy. 

He was, is my type as it were, rowed, runner, fit, smart, cute, great personality. I fell in love with him long ago, and long ago accepted his being straight and all that goes with it. The pain felt as he began to date has long since faded away. 

I am a writer, and I always have been so. I have next to me 13 notebooks that have proven to be journals through the years, written in pen and ink. Something that the blogs lack. The blogs are a public journal, the notebooks were not. 

I have the notebook wrapped in aluminum tape with a duct tape and electrical tape cross on the front which recounts the horrors of my past. I have the leather bound notebook with 5 sections all detailing different aspects of so many things going on at the same time, in it I just found Kyle's senior class picture. 

Here's one from Nov 2006, here is an excerpt from 12:45AM Oct 25 2006

"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"

I'd start a theater. Not a big one, but something solid, something where plays could be performed that make people laugh and make people cry. Something different, but the same. Attractive like a well worn pair of shoes that fit like skin.

I'm lonely. That is the heart of it all. I wish I cold find someone to grow old with. Someone to be with. I need it now.

My application and such to Fitchburg is on the way. I am excited. I will Fly in a Theater program. Something I love as much as life.

Different Notebook 8 October 2006 - 6:21PM

I've crashed today mid afternoon. Felt my body drain and down I went. Staggered in to my room and went to sleep. Dinner was just a bit ago. Mom & Al can be really hostile when they get going. I don't like it in the least.

Oct 22 2006

I am in the mood for a light hearted suicide attempt. I shall resist. Pills is for the light hearted. It's not full blown suicidal because I don't care one way or the other. If I die, cool, if I live, fine. But then I don't even have the motivation to do it. The survival is unpleasant because the pills are time release and so its hours of fucked up instead of just a couple. 

Again it comes back to "Ugly", the line "Medicate Me - So I die Happy" It's a good line. Its an honest line. It's a fucked up line.

21 Dec 2006

Its now 2:50am and I am at dad's desk in the shop. The computer is off. I just jerked off thinking about Forrest.

6 Feb 2005

Right now my head is full of fear for Kyle, and I can't make it go away. Working on my college App. Listening to Biko. Want to go hit speed bag, but can't with Dad in basement. FUCK! 

Bah, I can't write or read the heavy stuff, not in the mood. That's why its in books instead of here.

Anyways, I'm done for the night.

3 days awake

listening to WBCN Boston radio. soooo tired, been awake for 3 days going on 4. it looked like the exhaustion was overpowering the pain, but then the tables turned and now the pain is pushing past the exhaustion again. 

my best friend on the planet is going to be at a party 25 minutes from here and i can't go because my body is totally Fucking drained. Haven't seen him in a few months, its fucking cruel. 

Society - Eddie Vedder

I've been awake now for more than 24 hours, with not much rest in between. What would please me more

than anything else is to go to stage crew tomorrow and get to see Liam, as well as the others, but

to be frank I don't think I'm going to make it.

He is my friend, and a really good friend at that. But we don't always get what we want.

I can feel myself slip sliding away. It's the small hours of the morning, its five in the morning, and

here I am typing to you? To who? Talking to myself again am I?

This room is incredible. It goes on forever. I'm contemplating making a coffee table of sorts using

board that I've had for some time. Got to figure out what wood to use, I'm going to do that now...