Hmmmm

I briefly talked to Cam today. It was a very short conversation, but god was it good to hear from him.

I got out to see a show tonight at SJ. It was an underclassman production, free admission. There were two very good shows, one was "Touch It" and the other was "The Tape". What the show really was, was five 10 minute plays, a broad range. Good stuff. Those two though stood out.

I also ran into Ian and a few other guys. It was nice, it was very nice. As I said, I quite like Ian. He is shaping into a solid guy, what I mean is he is becoming a good adult. He's going to be a good man, I have a lot of respect for him. He's a decade younger than me, and if I were 40 or 50 then that would not matter, but I am 26, which means he is 16. He being 16, that is not a negotiable range for pursuit. 18 is ok, legally 18 is ok. But that's still strange. 16 however, he's still a kid. So instead we remain friends, and I get to watch a kid who I respect turn into a man I respect.

I can't feel my legs right now, but god do my feet hurt. I have been developing something of bed sores on my heels. A side effect of the last few weeks/months. Its not the heels that hurt. Its all the little bones in my feet. Thats what kills me, is bones, muscles, joints. If I clench my fist, tears come to my eyes.

Anyways, I'm done for now.

Dancing with the Trains

So in our little regular TC room we go to where us young gays hang out, well we got to talking and I was bummed out and somehow got onto the subject of suicide. See? This is something I have thought about for years, I've even tried it a few times, pills, a gun. Not for a long time, but mom and I have talked about it. She understands that with all the stuff going on in my head, combined with the physical pain I'm in, well she understands that if I ever hit a breaking point, that its no one's fault, its just me hitting my limit. I know that would crush her, and my brother. I have no intention anymore... but I'm so tired. I get so tired of this sometimes that you, well...

But the way I figure it, if I was going to do it, it'd have to be full proof - it would also have to REALLY be the end of my line. See, I know for a fact that when you put a loaded gun to your head you can have doubts, and then you know its not right, but then you can also pull that trigger, even though you don't believe in what you're doing. Then again, pills, well you can take those when your head is all fucked up, but... well my god you can start feeling better before they kill you - I am convinced thats what happened to my friend Sam, and he died in my arms.

So my solution?

Dancing with the Trains.

It takes a real desire to throw yourself into a train's path. I mean sure I could just walk down the track with headphones on, listening to A Whiter Shade of Pale, or maybe Believe, or Let the Old Ways Die... or Heartland which I had on loop when I tried with the gun.

No matter how you cut it though, to get hit by a train, to me, fear would drive me out of the way unless I was fully ready to go. I would have to be one with the plan. I'd have to hit my breaking point, and pass it.

So for me thats my exit strategy, I would dance with the trains. Mind you I have no intention, this is not a cry for help, don't go getting paranoid on me. It's just... its something that had taken a lot of thought, and quite frankly this is my blog and I can write what I want.

Anyways (I just fell asleep) hee is the conversation:
[23:12] steezemuffin: its sad to think we're in a society thats sick enough to make people feel like thats the only way out....
[23:13] wizid: you mean suicide?
[23:13] wizid: or walking in front of a bus?
[23:13] steezemuffin: yeah
[23:13] wizid: if I ever go I plan to dance with the trains
[23:14] wizid: just take a nice walk on the tracks with my headphones on
[23:14] wizid: listening to Procal Harum
[23:14] wizid: I have a plan, I just cant use it
[23:14] wizid: it would kill mom
[23:15] nate1234: wait jack. u have a plan for what?
[23:15] wizid: suicide of course
[23:15] nate1234: for urself?
[23:15] wizid: I like to plan ahead
[23:16] steezemuffin: jack, I honestly wish I could offer you some light at the end of the tunnell....
[23:16] wizid: of course
[23:16] nate1234: thats terible
[23:16] wizid: I appreciate that Floyd, Matt... I really do
[23:16] wizid: I've talked to mom
[23:16] wizid: she knows that there is a chance I'm not going to make it
[23:16] wizid: I signed a DNR last year
[23:17] nate1234: not going to make it as in ur gonna kill urself or ur medical problems?
[23:17] wizid: kill myself
[23:17] wizid: I have no plan to right now
[23:17] wizid: but I have struggled with it for 14 years
[23:17] wizid: I've been in pain 24/7 for as long as I can remember, there is no end in site
[23:18] wizid: I have 3 syndromes, one will get worse
[23:18] nate1234: oh. im srry jack. i can see where ur coming from.
[23:18] wizid: I have PTSD which includes nightmares
[23:18] nate1234: how did u get ptsd>
[23:18] joe: Yeah, PTSD sucks.
[23:18] wizid: I'm afraid of physical contact and intimte relationships
[23:18] joe: good friend plus mom has it
[23:18] wizid: soooo if I do grow tired of this constant strugle
[23:19] wizid: I'm going to dance with the trains
[23:19] wizid: thats the end game, when ever it may happen
[23:19] joe: well lets hope it doesn't jack
[23:19] wizid: Nate... I got it from the rape, the fag hunt, and the porn
[23:19] joe: jesus
[23:19] wizid: among other things
[23:19] nate1234: my friend did a tour in Iraq and thats how he acquired it
[23:19] wizid: yes, most guys my age got it from war
[23:20] wizid: which sucks all on its own
[23:20] nate1234: to be honest, i cant say id be thinking any different than you if i had constant pain that would only get worse
[23:20] wizid: I've also been in bed over a year
[23:20] wizid: I love my family and my friends, I remain fairly upbeat
[23:20] wizid: you guys help a TON
[23:21] wizid: I'd be dead by now without TC/Stickam
[23:21] wizid: I'm just tired, I just want it to be over
[23:21] nate1234: im not sure how is feel or what id do. and glad to help jack
[23:21] wizid: I'm sorry for this LONG ramble
[23:21] nate1234: its not a ramble
[23:21] wizid: but I appreciate you guys listening to it
[23:22] joe: Jack, I think I can speak for about everyone, non of us mind
[23:22] wizid: thanks
[23:22] nate1234: got that right. anything, anytime
[23:22] wizid: and the meds fuck with my head
[23:22] wizid: but anyways
[23:22] wizid: I'm done, I dont even know what brought that up - Ryan was depressed earlier
[23:22] wizid: I guess it just hit me
[23:23] m1ke: :(
[23:23] joe: I hate depression...
[23:23] wizid: the funny thing is I'm not really depressed
[23:23] wizid: I'm pretty upbeat
[23:23] wizid: I... I'm just tired
[23:23] joe: Really? It's not just on the outside?
[23:23] wizid: tired of being alone, afraid of touch, afraid to sleep
[23:24] wizid: when I'm alone at night it gets bad
[23:24] wizid: demons, you know
[23:24] nate1234: porn and weed are always good friends, right?
[23:24] wizid: HAHAHA
[23:24] wizid: nahhhhh not for me
[23:25] joe: lol demons?
[23:25] wizid: weed makes me paranoid, and I know too much about porn to be entertained
[23:25] joe: what are you clay?
[23:25] wizid: OHHHHHHH NOOOO JOE!
[23:25] wizid: FUCK CLay
[23:25] joe: :D
[23:25] nate1234: they do pretty good for me.
[23:25] m1ke: whose clay
[23:25] wizid: I used that term since I was 14
[23:25] nate1234: yeah, whose clay
[23:25] m1ke: like the squishy stuff?
[23:25] wizid: its for the ghosts of my past
[23:25] steezemuffin: lol
[23:25] wizid: not evil spirits
[23:25] joe: O okay =/
[23:25] wizid: fucking Clay
[23:25] wizid: ruins everythig for me
[23:26] joe: hahaa
[23:26] joe: bastard
[23:26] wizid: Mike Clay was this idiot on the forum
[23:26] m1ke: i love clay
[23:26] wizid: who had no self esteem
[23:26] wizid: loves elbows
[23:26] steezemuffin: clay was a legend
[23:26] m1ke: i make all kinds of stuff with it
[23:26] steezemuffin: he won't be forgotten any time soon
[23:26] m1ke: Lol wtf? elbows?
[23:26] wizid: and thought demons were invading his mind
[23:26] nate1234: haha. oh, ok
[23:26] joe: Also, just a suggestion, don't ask your mom to buy you zippo fluid :P
[23:26] wizid: hahaha Joe

Good Stuff!

Welp my brother and sister in law got back from their honey moon today, they spent a week in Mexico. Not exactly sure where, but they were there and they had a lot of fun. I'm happy for them. They got me a little gift, its this little Aztec looking statue thing, its shiny black, it was hard to get a good picture of, I did a side profile.



My new MA ID arrived in the mail. It doesn't do me much good, its useful if I get pulled over, but I don't speed or anything. Its good for buying alcohol, but I don't drink hahaha, so all in all it was $50 and its pretty useless. It expires in 2011. The real joke is that my AZ license which cost $10 is active until 2049. So I'm keeping them both, I think its kind of funny.



I am quite aware that you could snatch most of my personal info off of my license. If you want to steal my identity, feel free, I am in debt up to my ears, I am sick, I don't own anything, and my credit is in the tank. So really, there's not much damage you could do. As to my address and stalking me, my name is on the site, you know my city, I'm not that hard to find - I think you'd find you had a problem if you tried anything, life's experience has made me much tougher and much less afraid - that in a way has been my problem through the years, I have walked into situations that I shouldn't have.

But on the other hand that calm has held and served me well. When Sam died in my arms, I held myself together, and when I found Dad's body, I held myself together - I called 911, I delt with mom, I called his family, my family, I was solid for about a week. Was is the key word there, it all went to shit after dad died. That changes you.




Cam the scary looking dude in the picture who was at the time giving me my Norton tattoo is getting out of prison on April 19. I can't even BEGIN to describe to you how that makes me feel. My god.. He'll be free and clear. His mother invited me to the celebration, and I will be damned to hell if I'm not going to be there. It's a hell of a trip, but I have family in South Carolina, thats about 15 hours, which I can do in a day. Then a short trip to Atlanta.

No I'm not in fighting shape. I'm actually incredibly hammered, and this may be incredibly stupid. But Cam is like a brother to me, he has been as good a friend as just about anyone, and just like when mom was in the hospital and I pulled together enough strength to see her and take care of the house when she was sick, I will do the same to get down and see my friend. That can be done with one of my Disability checks. Seeing Cam again, and out of prison means more to me than anything right now. I'd go to hell and back for that guy. He's the one who gave me my tattoos, and I gave him the KZ1000. I have been talking to his mother since he got locked up. Zach has been talking to his father - there is a real chance that I'd get to see Zach too. I would probably get to see Uncle Rob, and Uncle John as well.

Unless I am so broken I can't move, on April 19 I Will be in Georgia. That is a fact. I may not be able to walk so good, and I may be pretty hammered most of the time, but I can sure as hell sit down and drive. A bit over a year ago I rode a motorcycle across this country all by myself. I have driven and ridden bikes in horrific pain to get where I need to be, and I can pull myself together when I really need to for a bit. That means that I can go down there and see Cam, sit down where ever the party is and talk to him and his family and his friends, spend a night or two, turn around, and drive back. That is doable.

Anyways, pure insanity aside, this is something I have to do, its like making it through my brother's wedding. It had to be done.

Anyways, Good Stuff may not have been the perfect title for this, but it fits well enough.

I made this video a while ago:


And I wanna thank the guy from Colorado for his comments. Sorry I don't reply much, but I sure as hell appreciate it. My book is coming along slowly, its hard writing and sometimes I like to avoid the pages for a while. It brings up a lot of stuff I don't want to think about. I guess thats the catch 22 of writing such a thing, you need to but you really really dont want to be Thinking about it!

Peace - for now.

Oh! And two other things.
1. I now have a Real connection to Floyd! He's a guy I greatly appreciate, and he's got a blog on here, but yea, I'm happy that I finally, its no longer by chance when I see him in chat.
2. Dave, another friend of mine, turns out he's a photographer and has some prints for sale, and I found one I really like, so I sent him some mail and I'm going to see what he wants for it. Depending I will have a nice new picture to put up on my wall, its more special when you know the artist.

Hum

Well I went to Performance all dressed up in my beat Triumph jacket, wool hat, fingerless wool gloves. I was looking at the new Triumphs and a gentleman came over and stated that I looked like someone who rode older Triumphs - which made my day, I miss my 73 Tiger! The new ones are great, but it's just not the same thing.

I bought a new clutch cable for the XS, and I ordered a Chain Breaker so I can properly install the new chain on the XS. Once that gets here Tuesday I will be back ahead of the game. I still have to replace the oil bolt, maybe make a new gasket somewhere, and refill the oil. I also have to install the original mufflers because I have no idea when I will be getting my MAC Exhaust. The bike also needs new gas lines, a cheap fix. I will work on all of that soon enough. Crazy stuff that it is, the bike needs some effort to get back to sorts.

I may cut out the old Balance pipe and wrap the exhausts so that they go on the bike easier - its the balance pipe that is all shot to shit from rust. I have run plenty of bikes without such a pipe, so it should be OK.

I also made it to The Owl Shop where I picked up 3oz of the Patterson Blend, as well as 100g of Rattray's Jocks Mixture. I got the Rattrays because I had experimented with the #3 blend and liked it. The Jury is still out on if I like this Jocks mixture or not... I don't like it too much. I have a bowl of dusty Saint John's left.

I have divided up the tobacco I put 50g or Pattersons' in a Bombay Extra tin and I put 50g of the Rattrays in an Arcadia tin. Makes it easier to get at than in the original tins, and I can travel with them.

I am now smoking mostly straight pipes, the IMP, the Petersons', and the Owl Shop pipe.

Good stuff all around.

Took a nap when I got home, then Brent came over and stayed a good while. It was great to see him, we talked for ages. Watched 2 episodes of Frasier (Roz Snoz and Bla-Z-Boy), then we watched an episode of Burn Notice, and an episode of House (DNR), there was also some Josh Ritter music in there (To the Dogs or Whoever, Rumors, and Minds Eye).


I'm pretty messed up from the pills, but I'm holding. I am going to SJ later today to hang out with some of the crew.

XS Update

Yesterday the Yamaha got a little bit of work. Nothing major, just some. I rebuilt the rear brake, did some work on the primary sprocket as well as the installation of the sprocket cover, and I got most of the chain on.

Now I'm heading off to Performance Cycles for a chain breaker, some fuel line, and... I think that's probably it.

Ducati 900GTS

The Ducati will be the next project. Its not my machine, my brother inherited her when Dad died, but you know, he's not going to be riding it until his youngest child is 18. Since he hasn't even had a child yet, that is some time from now, at least 19 years. So there is time to restore the bike, and perhaps ride it some.

She needs some work for sure. I screwed up the Norton, I will not screw up the Ducati. It will be done right. And to do that is going to take some years and some money. Since money is tight, it will be more years, as I'll have to collect the parts a little at a time.

The blinkers are $50 each if I were to go with the originals. I think I might slink back and use the Lucas signals that have been my friends for so long. So instead of $200 in blinkers it'll be more like $50, how ever they will be correct to the period. There is a need for shocks, which will probably be Hagons from England. Brakes need to be rebuilt, the handlebar switches need to be replaced - probably using the ones from MikesXS, then from there we will go to Master cylinder, handlebars, electrical system. The battery and oil. One of the cylinders burns oil, but I don't know which one - Dad knew, but Dad is gone.

Anyways, this is some years down the line.

I'm done for now.

I'm watching Prison Break. I'm on episode 6 of the first season. I have also been watching 24, The Sopranos, and Supernatural. Its a good way to pass the time.

I get to see Will tonight, I'm looking forward to that. I've never been to his place. We've met up at the mall (before I left for Phoenix), and he and Matt have been over here to visit me a few times since I've been home. Haven't hung out with him one on one since before he and Matt started dating - so this'll be cool. It's also an escape, get the hell out of this house for a few hours.

Medications... side effects.

These medications are messing with my head. Just read one of Justin's posts and it was quite something, and yet I can't remember any of it. I could barely comment because I couldn't really remember as I was going. It's the meds, my brain doesn't track as well. Sometimes its good and sometimes my head is all screwed up.

Anyways... I can barely think.

Below is a short by Steve Martin that was in the back of the New Yorker back when I was a freshman in high school. Dad loved it, Al loved it, I loved it. We all showed friends, teachers, co-workers.
==========================
Side Effects
By Steve Martin


DOSAGE: take two tablets every six hours for joint pain.

SIDE EFFECTS: This drug may cause joint pain, nausea, head-ache, or shortness of breath. You may also experience muscle aches, rapid heartbeat, and ringing in the ears. If you feel faint, call your doctor. Do not consume alcohol while taking this pill; likewise, avoid red meat, shellfish, and vegetables. O.K. foods: flounder. Under no circumstances eat yak. Men can expect painful urination while sitting, especially if the penis is caught between the toilet seat and the bowl. Projectile vomiting is common in thirty per cent of users-sorry, fifty per cent. If you undergo disorienting nausea accompanied by migraine and raspy breathing, double the dosage. Leg cramps are to be expected; one knee-buckler per day is normal. Bowel movements may become frequent-in fact, every ten minutes. If bowel movements become greater than twelve per hour, consult your doctor, or any doctor, or just anyone who will speak to you. You may find yourself becoming lost or vague; this would be a good time to write a screenplay. Do not pilot a plane, unless you are among the ten per cent of users who experience "spontaneous test-pilot knowledge." If your hair begins to smell like burning tires, move away from any buildings or populated areas, and apply tincture of iodine to the head until you no longer hear what could be taken for a "countdown." May cause stigmata in Mexicans. If a fungus starts to grow between your eyebrows, call the Guinness Book of World Records. May induce a tendency to compulsively repeat the phrase "no can do." This drug may cause visions of the Virgin Mary to appear in treetops. If this happens, open a souvenir shop. There may be an overwhelming impulse to shout out during a Catholic Mass, "I'm gonna w*p you wid da ugly stick!" You may feel a powerful sense of impending doom; this is because you are about to die. Men may experience impotence, but only during intercourse. Otherwise, a powerful erection will accompany your daily "walking-around time." Do not take this product if you are uneasy with lockjaw. Do not be near a ringing telephone that works at 900 MHz or you will be very dead, very fast. We are assuming you have had chicken pox. You also may experience a growing dissatisfaction with life along with a deep sense of melancholy-join the club! Do not be concerned if you arouse a few ticks from a Geiger counter. You might want to get a one-month trial subscription to Extreme Fighting. The hook shape of the pill will often cause it to become caught in the larynx. To remove, jam a finger down your throat while a friend holds your nose to prevent the pill from lodging in a nasal passage. Then throw yourself stomach first on the back portion of a chair. The expulsion of air should eject the pill out of the mouth, unless it goes into a sinus cavity, or the brain. WARNING: This drug may shorten your intestines by twenty-one feet. Has been known to cause birth defects in the user retroactively. Passing in front of TV may cause the screen to moiré. Women often feel a loss of libido, including a whole octave lowering of the voice, an increase in ankle hair, and perhaps the lowering of a testicle. If this happens, women should write a detailed description of their last three sexual encounters and mail it to me, Bob, Trailer Six, Fancyland Trailer Park, Encino, CA. Or E-mail me at hot-guy.com. Discontinue use immediately if you feel that your teeth are receiving radio broadcasts. You may experience "lumpy back" syndrome, but we are actively seeking a cure. Bloated fingertips on the heart-side hand are common. When finished with the dosage, be sure to allow plenty of "quiet time" in order to retrain the eye to move off stationary objects. Flotation devices at sea will become pointless, as the user of this drug will develop a stone-like body density; therefore, if thrown overboard, contact your doctor. (This product may contain one or more of the following: bungee cord, plankton, rubber, crack cocaine, pork bladders, aromatic oils, gunpowder, corn husk, glue, bee pollen, dung, English muffin, poached eggs, ham, Hollandaise sauce, crushed saxophone reeds.) Sensations of levitation are illusory, as is the sensation of having a "phantom" third arm. Users may experience certain inversions of language. Acceptable: "Hi, are how you?" Unacceptable: "The rain in Sprain slays blainly on the phsssst." Twenty minutes after taking the pills, you will feel an insatiable craving to take another dose. AVOID THIS WITH ALL YOUR POWER. It is advisable to have a friend handcuff you to a large kitchen appliance, ESPECIALLY ONE THAT WILL NOT FIT THROUGH THE DOORWAY TO WHERE THE PILLS ARE. You should also be out of reach of any weapon-like utensil with which you could threaten friends or family, who should also be briefed to not give you the pills, no matter how much you sweet-talk them.


* From The New Yorker, April 13, 1998.

Roadster

Alright so my plan for the Yamaha has changed. I was as you know planning to Cafe the bike at some point in the future. I have decided instead to go with something more workable, a Roadster - which is what Dad's Norton and Ducati were, really its what my two Triumphs, my BMW, and Dad's Triumph were as well. A Roadster is sort of a cross between a Cafe, a Cruiser, and... well really its just a straight up standard go get 'em motorcycle.


So we all remember my bike, you can see it clearly here - in the back of my car. Its hard to tell just how ugly the tank is, but I can assure you that it is quite ugly. That rear bar on the seat is equally horrific, and oh my god is the seat ugly. The whole design is just bastardly.

Well I figured it out a few days ago, I realized that there was a small chance that a gas tank off an early 80s Kawasaki KZP550 might just fit - as they share high backbone frame design. SO I asked my friend Jack, who owns one, to come over and let me see if his tank fit.


It DOES!
You can see here that it sits parallel to the ground (the base of the tank) which is wonderful. Not only that but the mounting bolt lines up almost perfectly. I might have to pad the frame with fiberglass to help with vibration. But the tank is a match!


From this angle (more steady) you can see what the Norton bench seat would look like, and just how well this Kawi tank lines up. You can see how she looks with the flat bars and bar end mirrors. God it went from a bastard child of a Harley & Yamaha to a Roadster in the blink of the eye (as well as some imagination)



=======================

Now here is the revised plan. The only major part that I will have to buy is the tank. So let me describe for you what you see.

You have the Kawasaki gas tank replacing the stock tank.
There is a Norton front wheel with Drum brake (I will use the one I have at some point)
You have a Lucas 7" headlight.
Flat handlebars.
A Norton bench seat.
The rear fender is actually the front fender off a 1982 Suzuki GS550.
Mounted to the rear fender will be a replica Lucas tail light.



==========
The tail light in better detail looks like this:

They cost about $30 depending where you buy them.

Then the turn signals I plan to use cost $10 each and replicate the classic look, being Lucas replicas from the early 1970s.


One last part that I'll need is a new battery box.

This is designed to sit under the seat of a cafe racer and hold the battery as well as give a place for any electronics. There is an air box that I plan to remove as I will soon be fitting new carbs with pod air filters. The air box holds everything else in place, so when I remove the air box I'll have to for now make temp brackets to hold the electrics. But later, later I want to get one of these boxes for under the seat.

------------------------
The main thing to take away from all of this is simple. For roughly $600 I could cafe the motorcycle. This new plan, I have the whole thing together for less than $300. It will be more comfortable, hold more fuel, stop better, handle better, and look better - look better than any other of this model.

Hum

I just went upstairs for more water. I'm out of Pepsi, mom got me a 20oz bottle when she came home from work, and I just finished it a few minutes ago.

It's Saint Patrick's day - a one year anniversary of my return from Phoenix. Its hard to imagine that I stepped off the plane one year ago today. It feels like ten years ago since I was in Phoenix. Since I had my own apartment, was roaring around in the heat on my motorcycle. Hanging out with Cam, Zach, Zero, Barrett, Bobbie, and a few others.

I can remember the days of sitting out on the bikes late into the night nursing a pepsi and smoking my pipe as we lay on top of our motorcycles listening to the Beatles play from Cam's ipod. Out by that abandoned Ford van that had a giant "Live the Dream" sticker across the top of the windshield. We'd just talk and listen to music.

Or trying to push start Cam's KZ1000 which is the same bike I rode across the country by myself. Working on the Royal Enfield, or working on the 73 Triumph Tiger.

Hanging out at Joe's house, he was one of the teachers. He was born in Lynn MA, we got along imidiatly. A great guy.

One year ago today my new start, my fresh brake, my dream came down in flames like an airplane that lost its engines.

I'm not bitter. I did more than you can imagine. But my god.. Anyways I'm feeling drugged so I'm going to go back to watching 24.

Life (again)

I remembered this song today and found this recording, it is such a beautiful song.

They started me on a new medication today to make up for the disaster side effects of the last new one. Sertraline at 25mg a day. Dr Rosa wanted to start me out at a low dosage. I have hope, but won't know if it's working for 5-8 weeks. I am still on the Gabapentin at 2700mg per day.

I can't say that I am happy today. I am just trying to look towards the future. Not much more to say than that.

Life

I have been talking about and turning the Yamaha XS400 into a Cafe Racer.

My Yamaha looks like this:


A Yamaha XS Cafe racer looks something like this:



I have gone over a dozen ideas on how to go about this. There are a few options, but my frame is an ugly bastard, and I'm not sure how to do it.

What I do know - and I have plans - but what I do know is that I need a sidecar, and I have the plans to build one, and the friends to do it.

I'll need a fairing of some sort eventually - Craig Vetter (who designed the sidecar) is working on a new more streamlined fairing idea.

When I break it down, it comes to two choices.

Form over Function or Function over Form.

Ducati went out of business because they cared more about Function than looks - and put more money into the design and capabilities. So you'd buy a new Ducati and the first time you washed it the Ducati decals would come off - but Oh My God what a motorcycle you owned.

Harley cares more about Form, so do a lot of modern Cafe Racer (replicas) and Choppers. Its the look that drives them, not how the bike is actually put together.

This is why a Harley Sportster weighs almost 200 pounds more than a 73 Triumph of essentially the same capacities.


I have decided to go with Function over Form.

I need a sidecar. I need the bike to be in its best for function.

So while I REALLY want to cafe it. Do I put $350 into a tank, $150 into a seat, $50 into fenders, and $350 into a fairing?

No. The way to do it is to put the bike together the way it would have been done in the 50s, 60s, and 70s. Instead of building a replica showy cafe racer - I'm going to build a real one. So it won't look like one, not like a replica.

I'll sort it out.

Well Well Well...

Alright so I've been in bed predominantly for over a week, getting up and moving about hurts my legs which are weak and shaking. Pain is pretty intolerable, and I have a doctor's appointment on Monday, it is compliments of the last drug I was prescribed failing miserably. I am hoping that my car is solid enough to drive to it, but I can't blame Brent if he can't get this done. All I know, all I know is that I can barely move.

I am smoking less, not because I am exactly trying to quit so much as I am loosing the joy of the the smoking. I suspect it is my health not being so great, or maybe I am simply growing tired of the habit. Either way I suspect that my time with all of this is shorter than perviously planned.

I'm drinking more water than I used to. I may not be eating as much or as healthy as I should, but I am doing the best that I can. My willpower and my optimism require my being close to my motorcycle, my tools, my family, and my friends. I may not be at top notch - but I am in control over as much as I am physically capable of. That is where my desire to keep going remains strong.

It's a hard pill to swallow, this idea of remaining like this - stuck in bed, in pain for I don't know how long. So I with this inner conflict. The idea of talking about the pain has always felt like a violation. The of talking openly about being disabled feels like a violation. The very idea of BEING disabled feels like a violation.

We are taught not to complain. Society re-enforces the fact that we should not complain. This feels like complaining. It's not complaining. I am in pain. I spend most of my time alone. I can't do any of the things that I enjoy. I can barely move most of the time. Is it still complaining when its the truth?

How many times have I said "I'm fine" when I was either ready to blow my brains out or shut down from extreme pain. How many years have I been trying to shine it on?

I'll keep trying to say I'm fine, and I'll keep trying to shine it on. But I need an outlet, and my journals just dont cut it anymore. So this is it. This and answering truthfully - if someone asks me how I'm doing, I now tell them.

It's the only way to save sanity.

XS400 and Rambling of Life.

I have been watching 24, I started with the pilot and am now on Season 5 episode 18, which is almost over. Pretty excellent stuff, and pretty addicting to watch. Have to hand it to them, it takes a hell of a lot of load out of the tediousness of being locked up down here all the time.

I'm hoping that my car is fixed this weekend, I'll try to help Brent with it - I owe him that much, he's been doing all the work for 3 weeks now. A hell of a friend, you have to admit.

I am excited about those Flat Slide carbs for the XS. I have to rejet them as well get or make the manifolds (might as well buy them) in order to mount them to the Yamaha.

This means I will have the engine work done, new carb boots. Thats all good. Add to that the new exhaust with no leaks, the brand new flat slide carbs, and a new high quality chain - and what I have should give me another 80,000 miles. She may be ugly for now, but I'll figure out a way around that.

Anyways, I'm pleased with what I have - Grandpa Martin used to say "The key to Happyness is to want what you have" and I have an amazing family, INCREDIBLE friends who might as well be family, I have a car that is easy to work on, I have a motorcycle that will last for as long as I need, I have my youth even if it is slightly impeded, and I have a house to live in with food to eat.

When you cut it down to the basics, I may have 3 syndromes that I can never be rid of, and I may have PSTD, and I may have some down right horrific memories - but I also have so much more than a Lot of people in this world, and I will be damned to hell before I forget that.

Yamaha XJ400

I wrote to JRC Engineering last night in regards to my wishes to use the flat slide 30mm carbs I bought from them several years ago. I bought them for a 750 twin and the Yam is a 400 twin. So I was worried.

In the reply the guy said one of their guys has the same carbs fitted to a 70s Honda CB400 twin - which is much the same bike, they were kind enough to give me the jetting they found to work best:
Main jet; 115
Needle std in center groove
Needle jet std
Pilot jet 35
They also told me that if I get the inside diameter of the carb boots on my bike they probably have flanges that would work - so I don't have to do anything crazy there. I have my Amal single throttle cable throttle, and I have plenty of cables stashed away.

So I have no doubt that I can now run my bike with new carbs instead of the worn out stock carbs.

So when the parts come to get the bike on the road I'll be prepared. I'm going to have to take the rear wheel off and much of the rear body work to get the airbox out of the bike (bastardly design). Once the airbox is out I will be able to get the stock carbs and boots off, change the boots, and by then hopefully I will have the new bits for fitting the Flat Slide carbs.

Anyways this news pleases me immensely.

Sitting here listening to Josh Ritter. Not too much going on. Smoking the Saint John's blend. I find I am smoking less, I don't have any real reason why.


It's easy to con Liam into an album, just sing a verse.. got him to put on Let It Bleed earlier.
Me: (8:30:10 PM) Well I followed herrrr to the stationnnnn
Liam: (8:30:14 PM) oh
Liam: (8:30:18 PM) please don't do that.
Liam: (8:30:29 PM) ugh
Liam: (8:30:30 PM) fine
Liam: (8:30:32 PM) ill put it on tooo
Me: (8:30:38 PM) hahahaha
Liam: (8:30:49 PM) love in vain kills me.
Me: (8:31:04 PM) same..

Still waiting on the following bits from Dillon Brothers, good place, they sell every OEM Jap motorcycle bit that you can still get. Now when avoidable I don't go for OEM because it costs more, but on certain things, like bolts, rubbers, gaskets, and brake shoes - you can't miss.

1HX-W253E-00-00 BRAKESHOE SET-2PCS (4G0-W2536-00-00) $24.87 2 $49.74
1L9-15417-00-00 COVER, CAP $4.32 1 $4.32
3Y1-17456-00-00 HOLDER, SPROCKET $2.69 1 $2.69
43F-W0045-01-00 BRAKE PAD KIT, FRO (11H-W0045 $27.73 1 $27.73
4H7-24181-00-00 DAMPER, LOCATING 1 $5.50 2 $11.00
90109-08406-00 BOLT $4.64 1 $4.64
90507-20002-00 SPRING, TENSION $3.62 2 $7.24
91490-20025-00 PIN, COTTER (91490-20020-00) $1.23 2 $2.46
92990-08100-00 WASHER, SPRING $0.99 2 $1.98
92990-08600-00 WASHER (92901-08600-00) $0.99 2 $1.98
95380-08700-00 NUT (95303-08700-00) $0.99 2 $1.98
97013-06012-00 BOLT $1.31 2 $2.62
98517-06025-00 SCREW PAN HEAD (92501-06025-00) (98511-06025-00) $1.58 3 $4.74
98580-06565-00 SCREW, PAN HEAD $4.34 2 $8.68
Subtotal: $131.80
Shipping: $18.08
Tax: $0.00
Misc. Adjust.: $0.00
Total: $149.88


So yes I spent $150 on little things, but they are needed little things.

As far as "Modding" The Yamaha goes, I think I am going to use what I have. What I mean is, I have a lot of spare Norton parts. So I want a Drum brake up front, well then I'll eventually rebuild the Norton front wheel, and mount that to the Yamaha - that will be my front TLS brake, so I'll have drums fore and aft.

I plan to use the Norton seat as well as the Norton tank. Not Dad's tank, but the new one I got. What I can do is eventually take them both to Worcester City Welding, and for the cost of Less than a Cafe tank that will fit I can have the stock tank bottom welded into the Norton tank shell.

The seat I won't have to mod at all, I'll just have to make some brackets for the frame to hold it. That won't be hard - the seat:

Has two spikes which you can barely see that go through holes in the Norton frame (brackets) so all I have to do is mount a couple bars with the same holes on the Yamaha frame. Won't be too hard.

I'll probably fit the Norton number plate and my "Stop" light.

I'll replace the current turn signals with Replica Lucas style:


So in a sense the Yamaha will be the best that I can have. Which it is.

Anyways, I'm done for now.

I'm not exactly in the talking mood right now. Because I'm not in a talking mood, I don't really know what I'm doing here. But here I am all the same. I'm just trying to keep my head together, it's a hard thing, I'm spending all my time down here.

Now I do have motorcycle parts on the way. I have the bits and pieces for the Yamaha that I'll need. I'm still waiting on the Exhaust system - it should be around soon. The car is still down, down until this weekend.

Its been a rough few weeks. It's wearing on my optimism. I can deal with it, I always deal with it. This is the longest I've ever been down and not pretty heavily sedated. It's not... being on narcotic pain killers aren't, they aren't good for me, they mess with my head, they make me stupid, and they make me sleep all the time. BUT when I was on them, time seemed to flow easier. It also would wipe clean the memory of having been in pain so long. But now, now I'm on these other pain meds, and they leave me totally coherent. It also leaves me in a lot of pain. So I can remember the pain, and what's going on...

I have never been in this much pain this long, normally when it gets this bad, I have access to pain killers. I HATE them, I HATE feeling numb to everything, but it's better than This.

I'm a tough guy, I can handle this. I know I can. But how long? When will they get the medications right?

I am looking at being in pain for the rest of my life. There isn't a cure for 3 syndromes. There isn't a cure for Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. There's only therapy and pain management in my future.

I know that it does no good to mourn the life I didn't have. I'm still allowed to be mad as hell about it. Aren't I?

Anyways, this isn't productive. I'm just tired of being in pain all the time.

Welp

Well, there are 3 really hot guys around my age outside cleaning our gutters. I had no idea, I walked out there in boxers and a t-shirt. My god its actually nice outside. I mean really nice, I wanted to stay out there and bask in the sunlight, but I'm expecting a phone call from my doctor, and frankly I can't interfere with their work.

I have Dire Straights on now, and it's been an eventful morning. I had somewhat forgotten that certain friends know about this blog, but I'm glad they found/read it. Fears have been put out, and I feel that I am on better footing than I was. It makes me happy.

I'm in the process of Selling the Enfield bits, Its a project that would cost more than I could afford to finish, and I just... Its silly to keep it all around, just an unnecessary distraction and temptation to spend money I don't have. I will ride the XS400 until I can't anymore, then I'll get an XS650.

Anyways, I'm done for now, I'm going back to my show =p

Hair = Gone

My hair falls out sometimes, been happening since I was 12. It's linked to stress and anxiety. It started again. So I just shaved it off last night. I was able to get most of it myself, mom had to help with the back. Its not the best haircut we've ever done, been about a year since I last had to shave my head - but I don't get out much so it doesn't matter.

I have a doctor's apt in an hour, and I have to call a cab. Gonna do that right after I shave.

I dig this song btw:

How do I get myself into these things?

Ok that title isn't completely fair.

I have three friends, Mike, Cole, and Dan.

Mike and Cole have been dating for about a year. I've been friends with Cole for quite a while, we'd hang out and go for walks and just talk. I've been friends with Mike for a little less of that time, but not much less. I introduced them. I became friends with Dan a couple months ago, and saw a solid friendship in the making. It was kind of nice because he's fairly local, but separate of Mike and Cole for the most part.

So how does it go? How do you think it goes?

Mike met Dan online, and got to liking Dan. He'd hoped to hang out with Dan and keep seeing Cole, but it just didn't work out that way. So now Mike and Cole have split up. Something that puts me in a hell of a situation because I'm really good friends with both of them. Then I really like Dan, but Mike wants to date Dan now, or at least he did before he and Cole split up.

So I sort of watched this thing unfold, trying to support Mike while also talk him out of it at first, but there's only so much you can do in that line... I long ago discovered that if you push your ideas or feelings too hard on somebody who has a mind set that you'll push them away, and not only will they follow through with their plan anyways but it will cost you the friendship, or at the very least throw a large fucking wrench into the gears. So instead I got to sit back and watch the thing begin to unfold, or in a better way of looking at it, its like knowing a bomb is about to go off and there is nothing you can do about it...

I wanted to talk to Cole about it but Mike had told me he'd planned to, so there was really nothing I could do there, I mean I could have, but in order to help the one I'd have to betray the other. So instead I watched Cole get blind sided.

So now I'm banging my head against the wall. Because I watched two close friends get hurt tonight. Mike is one of my favorite people on the planet and he's going to lock me out now, I can feel it. The only chances I got to see Mike was when he was with Cole. I'll still get to hang out with Cole, it will sort of go back to the way it was before they were dating. We'll find opprotunities to get together. But Mike... ohhh Mike.


I've started writing my book again, I took a little break.

Anyways, I'm going to split, watch some 24, maybe go to bed, maybe work on the bike, I don't know.

Gah!

Well the car is still brakeless. I'm loosing track of the days. 2 or 3 weeks I think. I have lost track because I worked on it with Brent one week (but might have been the second week) then he worked on it for 1 or 2 weeks. I'm not sure.

Anyways she's still leaking brake fluid.

So the next plan is to get the Yamaha running sooner than later so I can put it on the road in case this problem with the Olds keeps going.

Humbug.