My Uncle Died

My Aunt Debbie called this morning to tell us that one of my Uncles died at 2am from a heart attack. I am sobbing as I type this. Two years ago my father died. The whole family gathered for his service, and John of course was among them. When he took up with my Aunt Maggie he sort of became an older brother of Dad. He got Dad into racing motorcycles and gave him his first set of racing leathers. My father always spoke well of John. Always had so many stories to tell. And after Dad died John had a lot of the same stories to tell me. He was really there for me, through email. He gave me a tour of his factory 3 weeks after dad died - I rode out their on Dad's Triumph T100. It took my father's death to really get to know him in person. I can't believe he's gone. I was just talking about him the other night. I miss him extremely already. And I have no idea how to console his wife, and his daughter. And Josh his grandson is just old enough to know what's going on. I'm sobbing so hard, its hard to see.

Everybody Run... Bobby's Got a Gun

Today has been pretty decent. Dressed up well enough, nice socks, white pants, button down polo shirt (blue), and my moleskin vest.

Went to The Owl Shop today. Got 3 blends and a tobacco bag - cheapest one they had which has a sort of scottish kilt design to it. I don't care it was $7


The blends were 2 by McClelland and one Owl Shop special. In that order: Deep Hollow, Virginia Woods, and The Elm Park Blend. I like all three. All smooth blends, a switch up from the kick you in the head stuff I was smoking last week.

I also - in watching The Boat that Rocked, found a perfect image of what I will probably look like in 20 years, the character Bob. His style of glasses I have wanted since I was 16 - don't get me confused with a Harry Potter person, I was 16 LONG before that craze hit. It was more of a John Lennon thing with me. Now its more of a Bob thing, minus the drugs. He has the same lack of hair on his chin that I seem to suffer from. So behold, the future of Jack:


Interesting is it not?

So Brent came by and we got subs for lunch, watched a movie Midnight in the Garden of Good And Evil, which is always wonderful. We were waiting for The Boat That Rocked ie Pirate Radio to load. In between movies - Paul and Chris two more good friends came by to change up motorcycles - Paul keeps his alternate bike in my garage. While they were here Brent got called away because friends of his from the helicopter school he works at - he's a trainer/pilot - are coming into Worcester and he's taking them out to eat. I was going to go but my ribs started to hurt.

After he left Paul & Chris helped me move the remaining two Bozak speakers into my bedroom. So once I get the chance I will have an amazing stereo down here. Two 12" Woofers and two towers with 8? tweeters in each of them. WONDERFUL sound.

Now they are all gone, and you and I are the only ones left. I have no idea who if anyone reads this. I know I have two subscribers, a fella I don't know at all, and Justin who I can't say I know, but I know he's a local which is pretty cool. The truly Ironic bit about Justin is I found his blog in the most roundabout manner. Reading my friend Gary's usual news (Gary is from Oz) I discovered Shannon's blog, also from Oz, and through Shannon I discovered Justin who is from MA? Does that make sense? Hahahaha, if you really want to look at it from the outer perspective if I hadn't become a fan of Cody who was from Cape Town, I'd never have met Gary, and following that never would have come to Justin - so it took a South African to lead me to a guy who probably lives 2 hours away. What a bizarre thing this internet has become.

Now I do keep a regular ink written journal. I Always have, I have stacks of notebooks going back years of my life. These blogs are an extension of such a form. I write here when I do not or cannot write there. But I sometimes think about how public the web has made our private lives. 50 years ago, hell 20 years ago the idea of keeping a public journal would have been appalling, but what has changed? The Internet has made us all a bit more open I think. It has united us in ways I could never believe. I for example am not a lone pipe smoker, compliments of youtube I have a dozen guys I know who smoke pipes, all across the country - sharing thoughts about pipes and tobaccos.

Gays have been united. For me it was the Gay Teen Forum (.net) which I found when I was technically still a teenager, I did not have the courage to join until I was a bit past then, I lurked for quite some time it seems. But I have now been a member for close to 6 years. I am the GTF grandpa as it were. It has united me with friends all across the country and even the world.

The Facebook allows me to keep in contact with guys I knew in high school. Guys who would NEVER write letters - I still write letters by the way, there is just something about writing a letter that seems to have more soul than THIS. But it is GRANDE being able to keep in touch with them. I also have a Dear Dear friend who I knew in Phoenix who is now in prison, I use Facebook to keep in touch with his mother. My only source of contact with him, knowing I have it makes my heart glow.

Myspace keeps me in touch with guys I knew at the Motorcycle Mechanics Institute in Phoenix. Just knowing that I can get a hold of Zach or Zero if I want to. Zero helping me with my Suzuki from 3000 miles away because I made a status post to the effect that she was missing on 2 cylinders.

I don't know. I am greatful for it, one of my closest friends on the planet is in Hudson, 20 minutes away, and without facebook we'd never have time to talk. My BEST friend on the planet is in Boston and with his schedule - getting a P.h.D I think in aeronautical engineering... how would we ever communicate? Or Liam, ohhhh Liam, up in NH, the internet again.. because he hates phones as much as I do.

The Boat that Rocked.

Hands Down the BEST movie I have seen in YEARS. Made me cry, made my mother cry, made my best friend cry. We all laughed and sang and maybe danced? Who knows. Here's the trailer.







Simple tonight because I had the thought tonight that if maybe I took as many of my gabapentin as possible maybe I'd just drift off to sleep and never wake up, and not be in pain anymore?

The fact that that occurred to me depressed the fuck out of me. I'm a fighter. I'm stubborn. 2700mg a day fucks with one's head.



Think I'll start a fire
Everybody Run
Bobby's Got a Gun
I think you're kind of Neat
Then she tells me I'm a Creep


The following is very different, a recording I made of Taj Mahal singing Queen Bee from the 70s live on SNL. Taj was fucking incredible, well he still is, he's outlived my father.

Hmmmm

A friend is here to visit. By here I mean in town. A bit of a surprise. I worked for his Aunt out in Boston when I was a bit younger, a bit easier on the eyes. He specifically asked me not to tell certain friends I was visiting because he didn't want any feelings hurt, but he already hurt those friends, so I don't think I'd have mentioned it even if he hadn't asked. I have known him since I was young and pretty (or at least less battered) and since he was a child. He was 12 when we first met. He is someone I have risked everything for, including going into a party in Boston with a baseball bat to bring him out of. How he hated me, until he discovered who and what those people were capable of.

I smell pretty rancid right now. I haven't had the energy to shower in some time. I take baths when ever I can, but you just don't get as clean with a bath. Especially when you have to extend your legs out one end up to the bent knees with your buttocks against that wall of the tub in order to dunk your head beneath the surface and wash your hair. Call my filthy if you must. Water from a shower nozzle actually causes pain, and I lack the energy to stand that long while being inflicted by such pain. So instead it is baths. Baths and "Old Spice" hahaha.

I am getting ready to watch the movie that was originally titled "Pirate Radio" which I am greatly looking forward to. Drinking a Pepsi. My friend Paul wants me to switch to Jones' Apple something. He thinks sugar and caffeine are bad for me. I Love them. As I sit here I am listening to Josh Ritter's The Animal Years.

I am developing a group of middle aged pipe and cigar smoking men on Youtube who follow my videos avidly and comment often. I am not sure if this is more because I am 25, because I don't wear a shirt in a lot of them, or if its the music which ranges from Pearl Jam to The Kingston Trio? Perhaps its just because I am a fellow pipe smoker and age doesn't matter. Have I grown cynical?

I was watching The History Boys Yesterday and couldn't help but wonder if the reason I thought about NOT becoming a History teacher was my fear of becoming like Hector? Not fat, never fat, but old, alone, in a loveless marriage, fondling high school students riding on the back of my old English motorcycle - he rode a Velecette by the way, a LOVELY machine. I don't think I would EVER lay a finger on a student. But I wonder how happy I could be in a job where I was surrounded by temptation of good looking guys approaching adulthood? Still, I feel I would make an excellent teacher, and I am strong willed, and each year I am out of high school the students seem younger and younger, so I believe by the time I am healthy enough to get my degree I should be well out of danger.

Meds!

Well a few things I guess. Made a new video on youtube:



I made it for a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a couple months. I can see a couple old friends starting at the title, yes yes, I borrowed a nickname from the Captain. I promise you all it's well fitting to my friend.


So I saw the doctor's today. The one med goes from 1800mg a day to 2700mg. I can apparently go as high as 3500mg? Not sure. At any rate I should be sound alseep but I had a bit of a nightmare. I really need/want a hug, but I think if anyone tried to touch me right now I'd freak out. I haven't slept since, so I'm pretty hammered.

Supposed to go to a halloween party tonight. I'm going to go as a homeless man, shouldn't be too hard to rig up the costume, I look next to homeless all the time anyways.

Patched a couple more holes in the bastement ceilings, from both the ductwork we removed and from the holes to re-install the steam pipes. God I miss my father.

Mom's birthday is Sunday. I wrote her a letter in the card. Dinner at my brother's Sunday night. Saturday is Halloween, John is going to come over and we are going to work on the Harley.

I think we can have the candy in a bowl in the Garage where we're working, that way the kids can just get the candy and not bug mom. Besides, the doorbell is on the list of things that Dad and I never fixed. Sure the dog will go NUTS but hey...

Anyways, I'm done. I have Smashing Pumpkins going.

Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Someone will say what is lost
Will never be saved
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a CAGE!!!!!!!!!

Tell Me I'm the Only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was an only son
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was an only son
For You!!!!!!

Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Someone will say what is lost
Will never be saved
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a CAGE!!!!!!!!!

The rules have changed today (Hey)
I have no place to stay (Hey)
I'm thinking about the subway (Hey)
My love has flown away (Hey)
My tears have come and gone (Hey)
Oh my Lord, I have to roam (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)


These are words that strike me pretty deep. I'm in an interesting mood, and its 2:30 in the morning, and I'm just so out of it. Weird because the meds are the same and yet they are hitting me really hard.

I found some old pictures of me in a friends Facebook album. Here they are. This isn't vanity, its just amazement at the past.


Here is one with an incredible mess of hair. I don't know if it was before or after Dad's death, probably just before. I believe Brent and I had spent the night working on my Taurus which I sold to my best friend Kyle to drive down to Florida where he would be working for NASA! This would be early June? I had gotten brake cleaner in my eye and was trying to calm the pain it was causing.

A bare white chest with oil soaked arms and a greasy face. You can see what part of me was deep inside the car, and what was covered, in many ways this is a creepy picture the look on face!



Here is one when dad was still alive. I had ridden the Moto Guzzi over to a 3 decker on Chandler Street owned by Brent's mom. That balcony on the second floor is/was one of Brent and My favorite places to just hang out, talk, and watch people walk through their lives.

Actually this is after Dad died. Those were his pants. He bought me that leather jacket so I would be safe. Its one of my prized possessions. The boots... well dad always wore them when he rode bikes. I grew to love them and wear my pair everywhere. Rode cross country in those boots!




I am not one to worry about my hair, but it looks HORRIBLE in this one. That was one of my father's favorite pipes, and the one I at first tried to smoke. That was the beginning of pipes being in all my pictures.




Here's a good shot of the Triton I was building in the basement. How different the room is now. What a MESS! I learned a LOT at MMI and would have rebuilt that bike had I decided to stay with the idea.




Finally two pictures of the Triton when it was just about done, that was a good night, friends hanging out with me in the basement.

I love this one because you can see pictures of Dad in the back as a kid and as a "tough guy"

^ Reminds me of my time in Phoenix. 'Cept if it was the same my friend Zach would be singing it, it'd be Saturday night and there would be half a dozen guys in his apartment sitting around listening to some live music. Those were good times. Zero posted on my myspace today in response to a status I'd posted about the Suzuki missing on 2&3 cylinders. I hadn't thought to check the timing. I'll look into that in the next day or so.

Still working to get the right grease for slicking my hair back. I am contemplating just going back to honest to god gearbox grease which is what I used out in Phoenix. Hahaha, it's proper for what I am going for, and REALLY holds the hair back in that old school style.

I'm going for straight back, without any design to it.
This is how it's going so far, but I need something a bit stronger


It's a far cry from how I looked when I first got home:


I can just picture the people saying "Why the hell!"

or my friend Matt who prefers this:


Which is how I wore it for years.

But for now I am going for that totally shaggy hammered look, which explains the beard and the hair. I will cut neither until at LEAST July. I REALLY want to see how long it will get. Besides, it's not like I'm looking for dates, so the fact that I look like hell and death doesn't really phase me right now =p

Once I go back to looking for dates, and when you consider I haven't in a decade, then I'll clean myself up, shave, get my hair cut back to how it was in that last picture, and whiten my teeth. But by then the motorcycle you saw in the last picture, which looked like this:


Will look like this:


And by that point I will be hopefully looking for a job as a teacher, and will have to trim myself up.

If things had gone according to plan I'd be a History Teacher right now. But when does life EVER go according to plan?

I think back to a post I made today, in response to a thread titled "Sigh" on GTF, which was in response to Ald's saying I had to explain what happened if I wanted sympathy for a friend of mine who OD'd on Heroin. This was my reply:

"I don't see why I need to explain it. When I was in my early teens I hung out with 14 other boys. Now 11 of those boys are dead. 9 of them in the last 3 years.

Adam & Mike were killed
Sam, Frankie, Kevin, and Patrick committed Suicide.
Tim, Mark, Nick, Shawn, and Tom overdosed.

I could explain it again. I have many times in the past. I think I've even stated it publicly on the board. But what it really comes down to is that now 11 of my friends from that time in my life are dead. It's staggering. No you don't know what happened.

We come on this board to talk, to vent, to ramble, to make friends, to be random.

I remember talking to Shawn (former member here) on AIM the night that Sam killed himself. That was the night of Feb 3 2006. I was THERE. I can't say he died in my arms because I dropped him when he began to convulse. Sam was the one of the group who seemed to be making it, a surviver. Captain of his Lacrosse team, head of his class, had a girlfriend.. he was the ONE of us who was Really going to be OK. Then he killed himself.

Then Nick died. 5 of us went to his funeral. We all got coffee after. Kevin told us he'd come up in his last test as HIV+. He shot himself about 2 months later. The other 3 are all dead too.

It's like getting punched in the chest every time someone from that group dies. I keep telling myself that the shit I went through when I'm younger, it can be beat. I can get over it. Eventually I'll be ok again. The nightmares will stop. The fear of being touched will fade away. Maybe someday I'll be comfortable getting a boyfriend again. It won't get me. These doubts are just doubts, the fears are all in the past. They can't hurt me anymore. Its all unfounded.

And then I look... 11 of us are dead. 11 out of 15 of us are dead. Maybe you can't escape it? I didn't expect to live to be 15, surely not 18, no way I'd make it to 21. How I've managed to make it to 25 is still a mystery. It's like fighting a war of attrition. Eventually it wears you down until you either seek comfort in drugs, or you put a bullet in your head."


Sounds a little over dramatic when I read it again, but you know what, thats it. Thats how it's played out. I'm always dulling things down in real life.
How are you doing? Fine.
How's the pain? OK.
Are you all right? Of Course.
Do you need help? No.

Or at least I used to. Now if someone asks how I'm doing I'll try to tell them. I tried to be the strong type. I tried to keep it all inside and it almost killed me. I tried to not trust people and it almost killed me. I tried to overcome the apparent limits of my health and I failed again. Again and again and fucking again. Is it really failure if it's not your fault? It sure as fuck feels like it.

People see what they want to see.

When Mikey found out I'm bisexual - when I TOLD him he wouldn't speak to me for 3 weeks because he saw had always seen gays as fairies. So naturally I MUST have been lying about who I really was all this time. I swear half of my friends expected me to start acting like a classic fag.

When guys I went to high school with see that I am not working, that I have not finished college what do they see? Well now they see a sick guy, because I have started walking with a cane and I LOOK frail, or at least I did when I got home.

When you tell people that you were abused they look at you like you have cancer.


I remember on GTF a kid made a thread about what we do to help the gay community. I said I didn't do much right now, I have to deal with my health, and when I do have time to be an advocate for something I was going to stand up and fight against child porn. He accused me of being a pedo and said why would I fight something like that when I so obviously supported it, being a non teen on a teen forum. God that made me so mad. At least I had friends there who stood up for me instantly. For one I was a teen when I found the place. For two if he KNEW my history he'd know better. For three THINK about that statement. WHY would someone want to fight that, well everyone Should. But why would someone make a point of saying such a thing in a thread of that nature.

I don't know. I should go to sleep. I have been awake for ever.

Oh, here is the camera youtube thing I posted/promised: