I shaved

Well I showed my friend Goose the picture of me with Steve, one of my father's best friends. This was back when I was 23, actually this was back at the house after pop's funeral.

Goose was dumb struck, actually stared open mouthed at the picture for about 10 seconds which I thought was hilarious. Goose is incredibly cute, hot actually. He couldn't believe how different I looked, and a bit of flattery ensued as to how I used to look. I hate the mop of curly hair which is why I choose to slick it back whenever possible. He, and the others in chat thought it looked great.

He told me to Shave. I said the only way he was going to get me to shave was if we were cuddling and he told me to shave. He said that I would be clean shaven by Christmas if he had to come here and do it himself - which I would have preferred. But all this talk about how good I looked from guys I think are quite good looking - Chris too - was shaking my resolve pretty badly. My resolve had been "I will not shave or cut my hair before July"

Finally after some argument and a poll which Goose posted on the forum of beard and no beard - which was 5 to 1 within about 5 minutes... Well I came up with a deal. The deal was I would shave right then and there if Goose, who was without a shirt at the time, but wrapped in a blanket would loose the blanket and stand up and show me his stomach and chest for 10 seconds. Goose agreed with the stipulation that Chris had to do it too. Let me add that any guy who is slim or fit, their stomach - I don't know its something about the torso, it makes me weak at the knees. So for about 24 seconds Chris and Goose stood and showed off, Chris flexed, Goose just stood there.. and well... to me that was worth it totally. I know that makes me sound cheep, but you know, I don't care.

So Before,

And After,


Took about 10 minutes to trim the beard and sideburns down far enough with scissors so that the razor stood a chance, then another 10 working with the razor.

It occurred to me afterwards that while my family would have accepted my presence at John's wake and funeral with the scruffy beard (I wore a leather jacket to my father's funeral - granted he'd bought it for me) , it probably will go over better with all if I look as clean and civilized as physically possible.

I am still in shock. I am meeting Kyle for lunch in Boston today at 12, that is something I am deeply looking forward to. He is without a doubt the best friend I've ever had, has stood by me through so much shit. When dad died he was in Florida working as an intern with NASA - he was actually working on the inside of one of the shuttles and doing design work for something. Anyways the weekend his friends from Boston were coming down to visit him, he flew back to MA for dad's funeral, stayed for about 24 hours, by my side for most of it, then flew back - all on his own nickel. I love him dearly, he is without a doubt one of the finest most civilized human beings I have Ever known. I am proud beyond words to have him as a friend.

I also rarely see him. I mean, he's been in Boston for going on 6 years now, and I've probably made it out to visit him 6 times total, maybe more. He visits me here more than I there. I'm trying to change that. So lunch today will be grand.

I haven't slept. I'm going to skip my meds this morning and afternoon. Not the brightest idea as they are what dull the pain - I will bring them with me. But they cause drowsiness and impair my cognitive ability. I haven't slept in about 40 hours, sooo Taking 900mg of pills that induce sleep, when I haven't, just before I climb in my car and drive to Boston - seems like an error of judgement. I take 900mg 3 times a day. Its why I've been in bed so much again lately.

Anyways, I'm done for now. This week... the Olds is going to be going to and from Boston 6 times at least.

I wonder who of our side of the family will come in for John's funeral. Maggie & Debbie for sure as Maggie was his wife before she married Debbie (they have been together at least 30 years), but Maggie and John had a daughter - Jess, who will certainly come up from Wisconsin, and her husband and Josh - John's Grandson. But the other John (for who I am named) is in Georgia, Matt is in Colorado, and Marty is in California. I know Dad loved John a great deal, Dad would have gone to this (if he were still alive) even if John were being buried in South Korea - Dad would have Gone. But I can't speak for the rest of the family, I just... I don't know how much they felt for him.

Enough. enough.

The Rules have changed today
I have no place to stay
I'm thinking about the subway
My love has flown away
My tears have come and gone
Oh my lord I have to roam
I have no home
I have No Home

My Uncle Died

My Aunt Debbie called this morning to tell us that one of my Uncles died at 2am from a heart attack. I am sobbing as I type this. Two years ago my father died. The whole family gathered for his service, and John of course was among them. When he took up with my Aunt Maggie he sort of became an older brother of Dad. He got Dad into racing motorcycles and gave him his first set of racing leathers. My father always spoke well of John. Always had so many stories to tell. And after Dad died John had a lot of the same stories to tell me. He was really there for me, through email. He gave me a tour of his factory 3 weeks after dad died - I rode out their on Dad's Triumph T100. It took my father's death to really get to know him in person. I can't believe he's gone. I was just talking about him the other night. I miss him extremely already. And I have no idea how to console his wife, and his daughter. And Josh his grandson is just old enough to know what's going on. I'm sobbing so hard, its hard to see.

Everybody Run... Bobby's Got a Gun

Today has been pretty decent. Dressed up well enough, nice socks, white pants, button down polo shirt (blue), and my moleskin vest.

Went to The Owl Shop today. Got 3 blends and a tobacco bag - cheapest one they had which has a sort of scottish kilt design to it. I don't care it was $7


The blends were 2 by McClelland and one Owl Shop special. In that order: Deep Hollow, Virginia Woods, and The Elm Park Blend. I like all three. All smooth blends, a switch up from the kick you in the head stuff I was smoking last week.

I also - in watching The Boat that Rocked, found a perfect image of what I will probably look like in 20 years, the character Bob. His style of glasses I have wanted since I was 16 - don't get me confused with a Harry Potter person, I was 16 LONG before that craze hit. It was more of a John Lennon thing with me. Now its more of a Bob thing, minus the drugs. He has the same lack of hair on his chin that I seem to suffer from. So behold, the future of Jack:


Interesting is it not?

So Brent came by and we got subs for lunch, watched a movie Midnight in the Garden of Good And Evil, which is always wonderful. We were waiting for The Boat That Rocked ie Pirate Radio to load. In between movies - Paul and Chris two more good friends came by to change up motorcycles - Paul keeps his alternate bike in my garage. While they were here Brent got called away because friends of his from the helicopter school he works at - he's a trainer/pilot - are coming into Worcester and he's taking them out to eat. I was going to go but my ribs started to hurt.

After he left Paul & Chris helped me move the remaining two Bozak speakers into my bedroom. So once I get the chance I will have an amazing stereo down here. Two 12" Woofers and two towers with 8? tweeters in each of them. WONDERFUL sound.

Now they are all gone, and you and I are the only ones left. I have no idea who if anyone reads this. I know I have two subscribers, a fella I don't know at all, and Justin who I can't say I know, but I know he's a local which is pretty cool. The truly Ironic bit about Justin is I found his blog in the most roundabout manner. Reading my friend Gary's usual news (Gary is from Oz) I discovered Shannon's blog, also from Oz, and through Shannon I discovered Justin who is from MA? Does that make sense? Hahahaha, if you really want to look at it from the outer perspective if I hadn't become a fan of Cody who was from Cape Town, I'd never have met Gary, and following that never would have come to Justin - so it took a South African to lead me to a guy who probably lives 2 hours away. What a bizarre thing this internet has become.

Now I do keep a regular ink written journal. I Always have, I have stacks of notebooks going back years of my life. These blogs are an extension of such a form. I write here when I do not or cannot write there. But I sometimes think about how public the web has made our private lives. 50 years ago, hell 20 years ago the idea of keeping a public journal would have been appalling, but what has changed? The Internet has made us all a bit more open I think. It has united us in ways I could never believe. I for example am not a lone pipe smoker, compliments of youtube I have a dozen guys I know who smoke pipes, all across the country - sharing thoughts about pipes and tobaccos.

Gays have been united. For me it was the Gay Teen Forum (.net) which I found when I was technically still a teenager, I did not have the courage to join until I was a bit past then, I lurked for quite some time it seems. But I have now been a member for close to 6 years. I am the GTF grandpa as it were. It has united me with friends all across the country and even the world.

The Facebook allows me to keep in contact with guys I knew in high school. Guys who would NEVER write letters - I still write letters by the way, there is just something about writing a letter that seems to have more soul than THIS. But it is GRANDE being able to keep in touch with them. I also have a Dear Dear friend who I knew in Phoenix who is now in prison, I use Facebook to keep in touch with his mother. My only source of contact with him, knowing I have it makes my heart glow.

Myspace keeps me in touch with guys I knew at the Motorcycle Mechanics Institute in Phoenix. Just knowing that I can get a hold of Zach or Zero if I want to. Zero helping me with my Suzuki from 3000 miles away because I made a status post to the effect that she was missing on 2 cylinders.

I don't know. I am greatful for it, one of my closest friends on the planet is in Hudson, 20 minutes away, and without facebook we'd never have time to talk. My BEST friend on the planet is in Boston and with his schedule - getting a P.h.D I think in aeronautical engineering... how would we ever communicate? Or Liam, ohhhh Liam, up in NH, the internet again.. because he hates phones as much as I do.

The Boat that Rocked.

Hands Down the BEST movie I have seen in YEARS. Made me cry, made my mother cry, made my best friend cry. We all laughed and sang and maybe danced? Who knows. Here's the trailer.







Simple tonight because I had the thought tonight that if maybe I took as many of my gabapentin as possible maybe I'd just drift off to sleep and never wake up, and not be in pain anymore?

The fact that that occurred to me depressed the fuck out of me. I'm a fighter. I'm stubborn. 2700mg a day fucks with one's head.



Think I'll start a fire
Everybody Run
Bobby's Got a Gun
I think you're kind of Neat
Then she tells me I'm a Creep


The following is very different, a recording I made of Taj Mahal singing Queen Bee from the 70s live on SNL. Taj was fucking incredible, well he still is, he's outlived my father.

Hmmmm

A friend is here to visit. By here I mean in town. A bit of a surprise. I worked for his Aunt out in Boston when I was a bit younger, a bit easier on the eyes. He specifically asked me not to tell certain friends I was visiting because he didn't want any feelings hurt, but he already hurt those friends, so I don't think I'd have mentioned it even if he hadn't asked. I have known him since I was young and pretty (or at least less battered) and since he was a child. He was 12 when we first met. He is someone I have risked everything for, including going into a party in Boston with a baseball bat to bring him out of. How he hated me, until he discovered who and what those people were capable of.

I smell pretty rancid right now. I haven't had the energy to shower in some time. I take baths when ever I can, but you just don't get as clean with a bath. Especially when you have to extend your legs out one end up to the bent knees with your buttocks against that wall of the tub in order to dunk your head beneath the surface and wash your hair. Call my filthy if you must. Water from a shower nozzle actually causes pain, and I lack the energy to stand that long while being inflicted by such pain. So instead it is baths. Baths and "Old Spice" hahaha.

I am getting ready to watch the movie that was originally titled "Pirate Radio" which I am greatly looking forward to. Drinking a Pepsi. My friend Paul wants me to switch to Jones' Apple something. He thinks sugar and caffeine are bad for me. I Love them. As I sit here I am listening to Josh Ritter's The Animal Years.

I am developing a group of middle aged pipe and cigar smoking men on Youtube who follow my videos avidly and comment often. I am not sure if this is more because I am 25, because I don't wear a shirt in a lot of them, or if its the music which ranges from Pearl Jam to The Kingston Trio? Perhaps its just because I am a fellow pipe smoker and age doesn't matter. Have I grown cynical?

I was watching The History Boys Yesterday and couldn't help but wonder if the reason I thought about NOT becoming a History teacher was my fear of becoming like Hector? Not fat, never fat, but old, alone, in a loveless marriage, fondling high school students riding on the back of my old English motorcycle - he rode a Velecette by the way, a LOVELY machine. I don't think I would EVER lay a finger on a student. But I wonder how happy I could be in a job where I was surrounded by temptation of good looking guys approaching adulthood? Still, I feel I would make an excellent teacher, and I am strong willed, and each year I am out of high school the students seem younger and younger, so I believe by the time I am healthy enough to get my degree I should be well out of danger.

Meds!

Well a few things I guess. Made a new video on youtube:



I made it for a friend of mine who I haven't seen in a couple months. I can see a couple old friends starting at the title, yes yes, I borrowed a nickname from the Captain. I promise you all it's well fitting to my friend.


So I saw the doctor's today. The one med goes from 1800mg a day to 2700mg. I can apparently go as high as 3500mg? Not sure. At any rate I should be sound alseep but I had a bit of a nightmare. I really need/want a hug, but I think if anyone tried to touch me right now I'd freak out. I haven't slept since, so I'm pretty hammered.

Supposed to go to a halloween party tonight. I'm going to go as a homeless man, shouldn't be too hard to rig up the costume, I look next to homeless all the time anyways.

Patched a couple more holes in the bastement ceilings, from both the ductwork we removed and from the holes to re-install the steam pipes. God I miss my father.

Mom's birthday is Sunday. I wrote her a letter in the card. Dinner at my brother's Sunday night. Saturday is Halloween, John is going to come over and we are going to work on the Harley.

I think we can have the candy in a bowl in the Garage where we're working, that way the kids can just get the candy and not bug mom. Besides, the doorbell is on the list of things that Dad and I never fixed. Sure the dog will go NUTS but hey...

Anyways, I'm done. I have Smashing Pumpkins going.

Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Someone will say what is lost
Will never be saved
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a CAGE!!!!!!!!!

Tell Me I'm the Only one
Tell me there's no other one
Jesus was an only son
Tell me I'm the chosen one
Jesus was an only son
For You!!!!!!

Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a cage
Someone will say what is lost
Will never be saved
Despite all my rage
I'm still just a rat in a CAGE!!!!!!!!!

The rules have changed today (Hey)
I have no place to stay (Hey)
I'm thinking about the subway (Hey)
My love has flown away (Hey)
My tears have come and gone (Hey)
Oh my Lord, I have to roam (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)
I have no home (Hey)


These are words that strike me pretty deep. I'm in an interesting mood, and its 2:30 in the morning, and I'm just so out of it. Weird because the meds are the same and yet they are hitting me really hard.

I found some old pictures of me in a friends Facebook album. Here they are. This isn't vanity, its just amazement at the past.


Here is one with an incredible mess of hair. I don't know if it was before or after Dad's death, probably just before. I believe Brent and I had spent the night working on my Taurus which I sold to my best friend Kyle to drive down to Florida where he would be working for NASA! This would be early June? I had gotten brake cleaner in my eye and was trying to calm the pain it was causing.

A bare white chest with oil soaked arms and a greasy face. You can see what part of me was deep inside the car, and what was covered, in many ways this is a creepy picture the look on face!



Here is one when dad was still alive. I had ridden the Moto Guzzi over to a 3 decker on Chandler Street owned by Brent's mom. That balcony on the second floor is/was one of Brent and My favorite places to just hang out, talk, and watch people walk through their lives.

Actually this is after Dad died. Those were his pants. He bought me that leather jacket so I would be safe. Its one of my prized possessions. The boots... well dad always wore them when he rode bikes. I grew to love them and wear my pair everywhere. Rode cross country in those boots!




I am not one to worry about my hair, but it looks HORRIBLE in this one. That was one of my father's favorite pipes, and the one I at first tried to smoke. That was the beginning of pipes being in all my pictures.




Here's a good shot of the Triton I was building in the basement. How different the room is now. What a MESS! I learned a LOT at MMI and would have rebuilt that bike had I decided to stay with the idea.




Finally two pictures of the Triton when it was just about done, that was a good night, friends hanging out with me in the basement.

I love this one because you can see pictures of Dad in the back as a kid and as a "tough guy"