Rotting Ramblings.

I don't mean to whine. I feel very not good right now. Its sort of hard to describe, unless you've ever come off of hard drugs, then I am guessing you more or less know that sense of ache and uncomfort. The catch of course is I'm not coming off hard drugs, I'm just taking my daily allotments of pills and wishing that I'll wake up one day and feel my age. There is absolutely no comfort here. I say it here because I hate saying it out loud. I mean if you're in some form of pain 24/7 eventually you want to tell someone, but how can you? People don't want to hear that you're in pain - it makes them uncomfortable. It makes you seem weak for talking about it. You want to talk about feeling weak? I swear to God and all that is Holy that if I had an easy way out of this RIGHT now I'd take it. That's why I don't keep easy way outs around me.

When people ask me what I do for a living I smile and say "I live off your taxes" but I think I might change that to "I survive" or something a little more sinister. No I don't have Cancer, and I'm not dying any faster than you. But oh my god every fucking day I feel like I'm either rotting away or having a fucking heart attack - which hurts so bad that breathing brings tears to my eyes. So life is an endurance race, the hope is that at some point there is a vast improvement.

I'm slowly taking over the Masterbedroom. Today I slowly shifted most of my clothes into my father's dresser. The top drawer is still mostly his stuff, I don't have the heart to clean it out. I have an idea for that though. It almost seems like sacrilage. If you want a real eye opener I am laying in the spot where he died, and I sleep on his side of the bed. Most of his Model Engineering books are up here, as well as books on engines, sweating pipe, and electricity from the 1920s. Even a book from the 30s on building your own telescope. These weren't collector's items for dad, he read them and put what they taught into practice, I will probably be doing some of the same, I plan on using one of them to help me as I want to make copper fuel lines for the Yamaha XS400 - I think it is my best shot at what I need to do.

Alright, I am going to hobble down and breathe some smoke. I might as well have a reason to feel like death incarnate.