Courage?

They all say I have it in bounds. They all say that I have so much courage. That I have fought my way through thousand of miles of a shit storm. That I fight still. 

What is this courage? I am frightened most of the time. Scared to death. I look back at the things I have seen and experienced and I wonder what the hell has it all been about?

I'm 25 years old. I don't deserve this. What did I do to deserve all of this? What did I do so horrible in the last life that I am still being punished in this one? 

What have I done to deserve so many wonderful friends. I can't stand it. Everywhere I go I make strong friends. I have friends of all ages, from 15 to 65 years old. What makes me so special? 

Is there courage in living through constant pain? Is there courage in continuing to try time after time as plan after plan fails? Is that what courage is? What other choice is there? What other option is there but to keep going.

My life feels like a snow storm. Walking in a snow storm. I tuck my chin down dig my hands into my pockets and walk against the cold cold wind slowly so as not to slip. 

What else can we do? 

My greatest fear was to grow old and die alone. The shrinks tell me that I won't ever be able to trust enough to get close to someone. I will never have a partner, a mate to grow old with. I have accepted that I have to live out my greatest fear.

My greatest dream was to become a motorcycle mechanic who was known, respected, who built specials. The go to guy if you want to ride some old classic in the modern world without trials or troubles. 

In the last few months I have watched my greatest dream get torn down around me and destroyed. It lays in ruin as I sit here in my apartment gathering together my possessions to move back home.

Is it courage to look in the face of such a loss as the loss of your dream and try to shrug it off? What stuff is this? 

I feel like utter shit. I am tired, worn out, battered and broken, and yet I continue? What choice is there but to continue? How is that courage? 

How can it be that I can feel so broken and so battered at 25?

How can it be?

I am so tired of watching my friends grow up and move beyond me. Jon is a Nuclear Design Engineer. Brent is a helicopter pilot. Kyle is almost a rocket scientist. Kyle the freshman when I was a senior. Kyle was the boy. What a good man he has turned into. What an incredible friend. Liam a freshman when Kyle was a senior, Liam now a senior himself. Another incredible friend. Watching people grow up around me. Watching them change. I feel trapped in time.

They say I did something great. I through everything into this and did it. I came out here and pursued my dream. I Did it! I failed but I tried. How many people can say they tried? They really tried. How many can say they chased the dream.

I don't want to grow old and bitter. I suppose I already am old and bitter. 

Time will tell.