Passing Afternoon

I am in so much pain. 

I know suicide is evil. 

It's the final solution. 

It cannot be undone. 

Do I really hate life this much?

I don't. 

Hate life.

I am six foot five inches. I weigh one hundred and forty pounds. I don't have health care. I live in a country where if you don't have it and you need it - it is harder to get. 

Can I get it?

yes.

Will they pay for the medication I need to be useful?

no.

My muscles ache. My leg muscles, my feet, my hands, my arms, my shoulders, my head, my eyes. They all ache. My insides ache. It all hurts. My feet feel like they are going numb. Muscles twitch and spasm. I cough up blood. I piss it. I have little to know energy. It's hard to move. I get dizzy when I stand up. My eyes feel like they are bleeding. I just want to lay here. 

I just want it to be over. 

Is it just the physical pain?

no.

So many friends in the ground. So much loss. So much innocence gone. So much beauty that I can't touch. So much alone. So much pain. 

My feet and legs feel like they are dying. I can feel it crawling up my legs. Like vines going up a chimney. It's almost at my knees. Piercing pain in my arms, my left knee, my right elbow, in my chest and in my ribs.

Feels like I am suffocating but I also feel like I need to puke. Movement is tight. Raising my arms above my head makes them tingle and ache even more. 

I don't want to live life as an invalid. 

I don't want to go home again with my tail between my legs. 

I can taste it. 

Success. 

I can taste freedom.

How much more can I take?

How much more?

I already feel as though I am standing in an open grave. 

I am 25.

I have been in emotional pain since I was 11.

I have been in physical pain since I was 15.

How much more is there?

How many more years?

I am so tired.

I just want to sleep.

I imagine that this is what it feels like to die. 

So how long must it take?