Its about 11:40PM and my body hurts like hell. Its mostly in my back and in my ribs right now. I'm about to take 3 Aleve, the directions say take 2, but 2 don't do shit. My body aches as bad as it ever has, I can't remember having gone so long without pain meds. I know I have, but I'd forgotten what it's like. I'm in so much pain.
I'm listening to Canned Heat now. What progress is this? A month ago I was in my own apartment in Phoenix and now I'm back in my mother's basement in Worcester. Three years ago at this time my father would be upstairs asleep with my mother. What have we gained? What have we lost?
I'm trying to remember what it feels like to feel good. To feel healthy. I'm trying to remember what it feels like to be in shape. I am trying to remember what it feels like not to be frustrated with life. I think the 3 Aleve are kicking in, my head is getting fucked up, but thats mixing Aleve, lots of caffein, and pipe tobacco. It's not even touching my back which feels like someone is going at my ribs with an ice pick.
Cry Havoc! And Let Slip the Dogs of War!
I have no idea what that means but it rings in my head from time to time. I am the Walrus, I am the Egg Man. I am the Walrus.
Different song, different band, different flow, different pain.
The Faces all around me, they don't smile they just crack. .... What are we saving for? .... The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins... .... What are we waiting for? So give me something to Believe... because I am living just to breathe... ... What are we waiting for? So give me something to believe, cause I am living just to breathe, and I need something more to keep on breathing for, so give me something to believe.... I am hiding from some beast, but the beast is always here, watching without eyes because the beast is just my fear, because I am just nothing, thats just what I've become...
Its that one line "The drinking never stops because the drinks absolve our sins" That and the line about the Beast is just our fears.
New song is "For What Its Worth"
Theres something happening in here
What it is aint exactly clear
There's a man with a gun over there
Telling me I gotta beware
Its time we stop children
Whats that sound
Everybody look whats going down
Theres battle lines being drawn
Nobodys right if everybodys wrong
Young people speaking their minds
getting so much resistence from behind
Its time we stop
Hey whats that sound
Everybody look whats going down
What a field day for the heat
A thousand people in the street
singing songs and their carrying signs
mostly say whoray for our side
its time we stop
hey whats that sound
everybody look whats going down
paranoia strikes deep
into your life it will creep
it starts when your always afraid
step out of line the man will come
and take you away
we gotta stop
whats that sound
everybody look whats going down
we gotta stop
whats that sound
everybody look whats going down
And again the song changes, this time its Pepper by The Butthole Surfers, soo very different. So weird and flinging of different words.. so confusing, but its what it is.
They were all in love with dyin and they were drinkin from a fountain that was pouring like an avalanche it was coming down a mountain
I dont mind the sun sometime yibee does it show? I can taste you on my lips and smell you in my clothes... sinner man and suggary like softly spoken lies, you never know just how you look, through other peoples eyes...
I can taste blood in my mouth, I have been coughing it up since I was 17. Do the doctors know why? Not a clue. Do they know why I'm in so much pain? Nope. Why have I been wearing the same clothes for a week? Because it hurts too much to take showers, it hurts too much to change, I just keep taking baths and putting the same clothes back on. I am wearing my wool gloves with the fingers cut out, I am wearing my Norton baseball hat, I am wearing socks and sandles, I am wearing jeans and long underwear, I am wearing one of dad's shirts and a stage crew t-shirt, I am wearing the silver necklace that Zach gave me as I withered in pain on his apartment floor in Phoenix... I am wearing a barbour vest that I got for my birthday, it looks like a fishing vest but its warm and dries off fast, it is dark blue instead of bright orange. I am dressed in all blues and blacks. I am dressed for the night and the darkness that pursues me.
Now I am listening to "To Love Somebody" by The BeeGees. You don't know what its like, you don't know what its like, to love somebody, to love somebody, the way I love you...
This song screams at my soul. I could be a blind man. "I'm a man. Can't you see what I am? I live and I breathe for you. But what good does it do? If I aint got you, aint got you"
I'm in soo much pain. My body feels like its dying. What the FUCK IS GOING ON!!!!!
I'm 25 and I'm dressed like this? I'm sitting down here like this? I walk with a cane? I smoke a pipe? What the hell is going on? Now it's Ben Harper with "Better Way" so much hope in this one. I think I'm going to go piss, go outside and smoke my pipe, and think about how life was supposed to work out for a little while, then I'll come back down here, take a bath, and recommit to this one.
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