Optimistic

Well being back East has caused me to revert to some of my older clothes, which includes the jean jacket that is designed for riding, breathes well, and is lined so as to protect the shoulders and arms in the event of a crash, not padding, but stuff that won't tear in a slide. It occurred to me yesterday that while the jacket is not as light as it could be, I have been dressing quite a bit like Christopher Lloyd's character on Taxi, which pleases the hell out of me. 

A friend was over the house a few days ago and he's also a fan of older U2, which I am too, so I was showing him my records, and how many old U2 records I do in fact own. He has an older friend where he works that loves U2 and apparently records as well so we laid them out so he could get a picture, I took one too. 

I have spent the last few days dismantling the basement in preparation for living down here fairly permanently. Its a hellova space, with lots of room. Good, perfectly good for everything that I need it to be, I just have a lot of cleaning to do. There are several months worth recycling and trash down here that need dealt with. Time is always the answer. The basement is 3x as big as the area I am using. But I have a good stretch of rooms available to me. Unfinished but I have lots of Time. The garage too will become my own. I need to clean it out in a big way. 

What I really need is a job, and that will come soon enough. The trick is going to be getting the various things that I need into a rolling progress. 

I am pleased - he we go into vanity - with how I am shaping up as I get older. What I mean is that I truly dig the pictures of me above. They suit me, and they suit my style, which died off close to 30 years ago. I may have been born in the 80s but I should have been born in the 40s or 50s. I would have been better placed in my 20s or 30s in the 1970s. At least for most of my life's aspects. Being bisexual with about an 80/20 split guys/girls would have been far tougher back then, and I recognize that fully. But for all my interests and loves, being alive back then would have been utterly glorious. 

But then again, what role models would I have chosen? Steve McQueen of course, and he's still have been alive! But that would have been later, what role models as kid? See I grew up watching english comedy like "Are You Being Served" I grew up with Steve McQueen's greatest works already alive, I grew up with Christopher Lloyd being Doc Brown, I grew up idolizing The Ghostbusters, and grew into a solid patron of Doc Holliday as played by Val Kilmer. Who would I have been without them? Who would I be without Dad from the 70s? 

These are the questions that have to be answered before we can make such statements! 

I have been so happy tonight. So giddy with excitement! Even though my life by all rights is in shambles and there is so much to doubt and so much to be stressed out about, so much NOT to think about - Still I am in the finest spirits. 

I guess that is what makes me such a survivor, that I can be this upbeat even when everything I know and love is dead or dying. Here we sit thinking these thoughts and are we down? Are we out? No! We are thinking about taking a bath and reading more of "A Stitch In Time" which is yet again one of my favorite books. Who takes such values from a fictional Star Trek based alien character? Well I do. Makes me a Geek? So be it!

I am writing a movie that is set in the 70s. I am exploring and opening up doors that have long since been closed, I am cleaning out the deepest corners of my mind. I am dragging as many of the skeletons out of the closets in my head and I am laying them to rest. It has to be done. If we cannot overcome the things that chain us to the ground? What do we have left? 

A song plays on the radio, Johnny Cash covers Nine Inch Nails' Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing thats real

The Needle tears a hole

The old familure sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you Hurt

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liars chair

full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear 

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become?

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know 

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If i could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

I remember when that song was everything to me. I remember when it was my entire world, because it fit me so well. It still does, almost frighteningly so. But I am changing. I am evolving. I am turning into a man. Do I want to be a bitter old Man, not really. I want to live, Thrive, and Survive! I want to be great, and I will, I just have to keep myself on the right path. It's hard to follow sometimes - sometimes its like walking down a freshly paved street with lights on either side, but other times, like now, it's like walking through the forrest trying to follow an overgrown path. I know WHERE I want to go, and I have a pretty good idea how to get there, but it's the art of actually getting there that is the greatest thing I have to beat.

Life is a challenge, and you have to meet it head on, if you begin to back down then it will roll right over you. Flatten you and you'll have to fight so hard to get back up again. I backed down when I was 11 and it overwhelmed me. I backed down further when I was 14, and stood up to fight when I was 15 and it has taken me almost 10 years to get past where I was standing once I got back up. 

Even now just thinking back makes me go cold at the things I witnessed and the things I was part of. But I can talk about it now, and will when asked, because it was the secrets, too many secrets poison the soul, and then you are stuck.

I am going to go take my bath. I am done preaching for the night.