Mrs McGrath

Been listening to side 1 of Springsteen and The Seeger Sessions Band a lot lately, one of my favorite songs is Mrs McGrath.

Been an eventful last few days. Been down with a lot of pain, but yesterday I was feeling really pretty good and managed to get most of the garage sorted out. 

http://www.new.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2076865&id=49403127&l=912a8b34dd

Which was VERY good. I used half of a shackle we made to tie the attic together in order to fix the old Ducati's lack of suspension, which pleased me, and also discovered the bike has a side stand which pleased me even more! 

Also made a video today which I will upload later.

Optimistic

Well being back East has caused me to revert to some of my older clothes, which includes the jean jacket that is designed for riding, breathes well, and is lined so as to protect the shoulders and arms in the event of a crash, not padding, but stuff that won't tear in a slide. It occurred to me yesterday that while the jacket is not as light as it could be, I have been dressing quite a bit like Christopher Lloyd's character on Taxi, which pleases the hell out of me. 

A friend was over the house a few days ago and he's also a fan of older U2, which I am too, so I was showing him my records, and how many old U2 records I do in fact own. He has an older friend where he works that loves U2 and apparently records as well so we laid them out so he could get a picture, I took one too. 

I have spent the last few days dismantling the basement in preparation for living down here fairly permanently. Its a hellova space, with lots of room. Good, perfectly good for everything that I need it to be, I just have a lot of cleaning to do. There are several months worth recycling and trash down here that need dealt with. Time is always the answer. The basement is 3x as big as the area I am using. But I have a good stretch of rooms available to me. Unfinished but I have lots of Time. The garage too will become my own. I need to clean it out in a big way. 

What I really need is a job, and that will come soon enough. The trick is going to be getting the various things that I need into a rolling progress. 

I am pleased - he we go into vanity - with how I am shaping up as I get older. What I mean is that I truly dig the pictures of me above. They suit me, and they suit my style, which died off close to 30 years ago. I may have been born in the 80s but I should have been born in the 40s or 50s. I would have been better placed in my 20s or 30s in the 1970s. At least for most of my life's aspects. Being bisexual with about an 80/20 split guys/girls would have been far tougher back then, and I recognize that fully. But for all my interests and loves, being alive back then would have been utterly glorious. 

But then again, what role models would I have chosen? Steve McQueen of course, and he's still have been alive! But that would have been later, what role models as kid? See I grew up watching english comedy like "Are You Being Served" I grew up with Steve McQueen's greatest works already alive, I grew up with Christopher Lloyd being Doc Brown, I grew up idolizing The Ghostbusters, and grew into a solid patron of Doc Holliday as played by Val Kilmer. Who would I have been without them? Who would I be without Dad from the 70s? 

These are the questions that have to be answered before we can make such statements! 

I have been so happy tonight. So giddy with excitement! Even though my life by all rights is in shambles and there is so much to doubt and so much to be stressed out about, so much NOT to think about - Still I am in the finest spirits. 

I guess that is what makes me such a survivor, that I can be this upbeat even when everything I know and love is dead or dying. Here we sit thinking these thoughts and are we down? Are we out? No! We are thinking about taking a bath and reading more of "A Stitch In Time" which is yet again one of my favorite books. Who takes such values from a fictional Star Trek based alien character? Well I do. Makes me a Geek? So be it!

I am writing a movie that is set in the 70s. I am exploring and opening up doors that have long since been closed, I am cleaning out the deepest corners of my mind. I am dragging as many of the skeletons out of the closets in my head and I am laying them to rest. It has to be done. If we cannot overcome the things that chain us to the ground? What do we have left? 

A song plays on the radio, Johnny Cash covers Nine Inch Nails' Hurt

I hurt myself today

To see if I still feel

I focus on the pain

The only thing thats real

The Needle tears a hole

The old familure sting

Try to kill it all away

But I remember everything

What have I become

My sweetest friend

Everyone I know

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you Hurt

I wear this crown of thorns

Upon my liars chair

full of broken thoughts

I cannot repair

Beneath the stains of time

The feelings disappear 

You are someone else

I am still right here

What have I become?

My sweetest friend?

Everyone I know 

Goes away in the end

And you could have it all

My empire of dirt

I will let you down

I will make you hurt

If i could start again

A million miles away

I would keep myself

I would find a way

I remember when that song was everything to me. I remember when it was my entire world, because it fit me so well. It still does, almost frighteningly so. But I am changing. I am evolving. I am turning into a man. Do I want to be a bitter old Man, not really. I want to live, Thrive, and Survive! I want to be great, and I will, I just have to keep myself on the right path. It's hard to follow sometimes - sometimes its like walking down a freshly paved street with lights on either side, but other times, like now, it's like walking through the forrest trying to follow an overgrown path. I know WHERE I want to go, and I have a pretty good idea how to get there, but it's the art of actually getting there that is the greatest thing I have to beat.

Life is a challenge, and you have to meet it head on, if you begin to back down then it will roll right over you. Flatten you and you'll have to fight so hard to get back up again. I backed down when I was 11 and it overwhelmed me. I backed down further when I was 14, and stood up to fight when I was 15 and it has taken me almost 10 years to get past where I was standing once I got back up. 

Even now just thinking back makes me go cold at the things I witnessed and the things I was part of. But I can talk about it now, and will when asked, because it was the secrets, too many secrets poison the soul, and then you are stuck.

I am going to go take my bath. I am done preaching for the night.

Not So Deep Thoughts

The above is the Triton outside for the first time in a long time. That is the collection of bits. Triumph engine, Triumph rear wheel. High Pipes, Norton chassis, front wheel, tank, seat, forks. The Chassis was Dad's first English bike, the engine was my first English bike, a nice combination. 

I got a letter from my friend Sean today. Was quite nice to hear from him, he's thinking about going from some seedy motel in LA to some seedy motel in Imperial Beach. We both shared a love for an HBO show that took place in the second, and Sean knows how to surf, so that's cool to him. 

I get a real kick out of Sean. He's a good kid, a bit mixed up, but no more mixed up than I am, probably no where close. But to imagine him living in some seedy motel in California living as a beach bum. He has enough money to buy a rather nice hotel, so seeing him in the $50 a night scene is a real kick. 

I'm going to try to sucker him into visiting in April, though I think the chances are slim. 

It's nearly 6am, I think I'll go down and eat soon, Trix are for Kids! Well I'm not a kid anymore, and I ate Shredded Wheat and Raison Bran when I was a kid, so naturally as an adult I have to eat Trix... Though I suspect the fact that the cerial turns the milk purple is somewhat bad. 

Passing Afternoon

Have I used this title before? So it goes with using songs for titles... The cat and dog have missed me, they have joined me in the kitchen for this late night meal. Was "Healthy Choice" macs, now it's going to be a bowl of cereal. The question is, why is someone so desperately under weight eating Healthy Choice? The answer is because it was in the freezer!

I just took 3 more Aleve. Way to go jack! 

I miss the txt messages from Cam saying "How do you spell ______" which I would reply the proper spelling and the next day find it worked into a tattoo on his body. That's power right there, thank god they weren't hard words, because we all know I can't spell. 

I am in so much pain! Mom asks how I am and I reply "fine" but it's difficult to hide it, and I know she knows. She says she'd do anything to take the pain away. I'd do anything to take her worrying about me away. 

No one is giving me shit for being back, which tells me how much they understand how hard it was to come back. But still I wish I could have played it like Luke in Cool Hand Luke, and fought until it killed me... but then I'm not sure I didn't. I can barely move about most of the time, and now rely on a cane half the time.

I wish...

But what does it matter what I wish? I want to scream. I want it to stop. Just stop. I want to be the average 25 year old. Sometimes I wish I really was dying - my old "I don't give a shit as long as it isn't terminal" is all well and good, but if I was at least dying there would be a legitimate reason for feeling like I was! Such anger, such emotion. It's unlike me. I'm supposed to be cool and collected. 

I have been in pain for over a decade. I just want it to STOP. I graduated high school 7 years ago and what have I got to show for it? And why? Because my body is fucked, and to some extent so is my mind. Jon is building nuclear power plants and I am sitting in my mother's kitchen at 1:30 in the morning racked with pain. 

What the fuck.

How can this be?

Stacks

I'm sitting in bed, or laying in bed listening to this silent and peaceful music. I am thinking about many things. Friends in particular. 

One of my best friends I think, is Liam. 

I know that I must mention Kyle, and Paul, Chris, Brent, Steve, Jon, John, and so on.. Kyle especially I owe a great deal to, I love Kyle a great deal, and never thought I'd love another like I do him. But then there is Liam. 

I get the knowing looks, the leers from Brent, but it isn't like that. It is not dirty or filthy or creepy. It may seem that way, but with Liam, he is so much like Kyle in the sense that the very thought of him brings a smile to my face. I cannot remain upset with him, and get that idiot grin on my face when ever I am within ten feet of him. Like Kyle too, that is as far as it will ever go, and there is no hope inside of me for anything further than that. My body to has long since accepted that, and respects it, something that only I think a select selection of the population can understand.

With the straights there is always a chance with a girl that you like or even love. They could come around. They could get really drunk one night and your morals may not be up to withstanding the on set of something you have dreamed of, or wished for for so long.

But for those of us who are not straight we have to come to some sort of realization at some point in our lives that we might fall for people who are simply unavailable and never will be available. Our hearts bleed, and yet we go on with our lives and make the absolute best of what of the friendship is available.

I remember how hard it was when Kyle began to date. How much I hated those he did date in the beginning. How could I not? It was another nail in the coffin that I could not get out. But I learned to live with it. I learned to deal with it, I had to, it was a sink or swim condition on our friendship. You cannot say to a straight friend that them dating someone else hurts you - how can you say that to someone who has never had the same inclinations? Now seeing Kyle with anyone, it doesn't bother me in the least, because now I just want to see him happy, no matter what, and that happyness - that level of happiness cannot ever include me. Fine, fine, that's ok, that is all good. 

So I was good. I had met the one straight guy I would fall head over heals for and grown to live with it and now I was good. 

Then came Liam. In the beginning there was more of a hope that he may have the same inclinations that I have. The pain in this is that even though we have discussed it, and I know that there is no chance I have other gay friends, and even straight ones who are absolutely positive that Liam is gay. They say "Oh, he'll be out before the end of the year" and I try oh so hard to dismiss these prophecies as I have to. I have to accept that there is no chance for any more than an awesome friend. 

But what if? What if he does have the same inclinations? If I release the grips on saying No he does not then I can see where the others are coming from and my mind screams at me, "He IS!" and no, that doesn't mean he is Gay. I frankly hate the labels. Sometimes I am gay, sometimes I am straight, and sometimes I am Bi. Labels just don't seem to fit me. I hate them as much as Cody used to. I don't think anyone should have to wear a label, because then society somehow wants you to fit into the label given to you, and that is down right bullshit. 

So what if Liam is not 100%? Then we get to learn something new. Then we get to learn to live with something that we have yet to learn. Can I be happy for a friend who has found someone else who is also a male? Can I look past my own emotions and still want what is best for my friend, can I still want his happiness? That is the question. The easy answer is yes. 

It's not an easy answer. I long ago gave up on being happy in that way. As much as I would love to have someone I could love, who loved me back sitting next to me in bed right now, I have so many demons, so many scars from my past that I am quite sure I will never be able to be close like that again. It has been 10 years since I have been able to share a bed with someone on any more than "This is my best friend in the world and I trust him completely because he shares none of my inclinations and so I know he will remain on THAT side of the bed."

I have not cuddled in ten years. I have not kissed anyone and enjoyed it in close to 11 years. I have not slept with anyone with any sense of joy in just as many years.

Too much information? I don't give a shit, this is my blog, why are you even here?

But all of that said, the real kicker is that Liam is someone I think I could trust in those ways. Someone I would feel safe with. But then again, I am currently under the impression from a discussion we had that he has none of those inclinations, and I should trust what we have spoken over what anyone else has ever said, because what the fuck do they know about anything? 

So I continue to revel in the fact that I have another kick ass friend, another best friend, this time one who also likes old music, likes listening to records, loves motorcycles and crazy contraptions. What JOYS these are! I can not even begin to describe.

So for now I bury away my doubts, my concerns, and my wondering. What place does it have in the open? It can only do any good on a blog, and it is only on a blog because I have no notebook to put it into, and no body that I know of knows this exists, no one who knows me in this life, so I have no concerns. 

Besides, some of these concerns are unknown but you put me in a room with Liam and any person with an IQ over 50 can figure out in about 5 minutes that I like him. I don't give a shit about those sorts of things, and never have. 

Think what you will of me. 

Secrets poison the soul, and I have for so long had so many secrets that now I will tell just about anyone anything they wish to know about me. 

With that said, all of that out of my system, I am going to go ahead and read a few chapters of my book, and then lie down, turn out the light and pretend to sleep.

Drive

So it goes that I have moved back into the basement, I haven't slept down here in 7 months, but I am working my way up to going to the old cot and having some sleep. I just took a bath in my old tub and felt quite at home - despite the fact that I can stretch out in the tub in the master bath and have to lay with my legs folded in this one... this one is MY tub. Also being from the 20s it was built for the use as a Bath Tub and not just some nifty looking thing you bolt a shower to, in other words, I fit! 

This was taken moments ago, I am happy at having hair so short again. The picture below it shows me just 7 months ago in previously mentioned bath tub with my shaggy hair. I have to say, this is MUCH less trouble. 

This giant picture is my current residence, all mine, about 1000 sq feet I should think, it's a bit unfinished, concrete floors, battered ceilings, work benches, spiders, the whole bit. But you know? I have 4 years to make it nifty. I lived here from about Aug 2007 through June 2008, and I'll be here from March 2009 till roughly August 2013(ish) if not longer. So you know? I have time. Better diagram and real pictures when the rest of my stuff gets here. This by the way is only 1/3 of the basement! 

This lovely fixture is I hope going to be what I bolt to the side of Dad's Triumph, which will make the bike into a 4 season fix, and also make grocery shopping and school a bit more livable.

But I digress, it is 1 in the morning and time to hit the sack! More later, I do promise you that.

PS: I'm happy to be home, but I miss Arizona and the friends I made there. 

Last Day in Phoenix

Well today is indeed the last day in Phoenix, perhaps for a long time. Just as I had no idea when I might be moving back to Worcester - if ever, now I know that I am and I have no idea if or when I would be returning to Phoenix AZ. That is the nature of life. You come and you go, its a long and winding road. 

I'm pretty tired, I've been up since 7:30 this morning. A lot has been accomplished since then, the Triumph T100 is now on it's way back to Worcester, and so is all of my stuff. The shipping was much cheaper than I thought it was going to be. 

I also have more or less cleaned up my entire apartment. I still have to deal with the kitchen, and get rid of the sheets in the bedroom. I also have to throw away a towel that I have had since I was 12, that's 13 years of loyal service, but I needed it for a shower after I packed my bags and now my stuff is on it's way to Worcester and the towel is not. It's like parting with an old friend.

One of my picture threads was bumped on the forum. The bump was simply to tell me that facial hair is ugly. Now I have been feeling like shit for months. I don't date, I don't even attempt it any longer. So tell me what is the purpose to looking my best when I don't have any place to be. I contemplated explaining this as a reply, but I figured I'd go with a New Englander's reply instead, so I took a picture and posted it:

I also took a picture for Facebook. My last day in Phoenix. I like how my hair is coming back in, and I like it at this length. There's no fuss with short hair, there is no effort in trying to keep it combed. I've never been much good at keeping my hair together nice and proper - so it's best to keep it just so nice and short that I don't have to concern myself with it. 

The pipe is a Peterson, made in Dublin which is a wonderful pipe, the soldier's special, it comes apart easily for carrying in a pocket and for cleaning with the simplest of tools. The tobacco is Bombay Extra made by McClelland. Wonderful stuff, strong stuff. One of the few pictures I've taken in the last few months with my glasses on, as I hate them so much - not because of how they look, though I hate that too - but because I simply hate having to wear them. 

I am watching the movie Appaloosa which is quite good, an old school western without the stupidity of an old school western - such as white people with lots of makeup playing Indians and shit like that. Much to be said for the progression of modern times. 

There is a lot of good to be said for this movie. The talent is wonderful, the plot is excellent, and the shooting and angles are perfect, as is the lighting, the sound, and everything that goes with it. It is one of the movies that makes me love the movies, this is only the second time I have seen it. 

One of the bit parts in the film is a cattle hand who turns witness against "the bad guy" who is a much more refined bad guy than your usual old western bad guy. Sort of like Crowe's character in 3:10 to Yuma. A bad guy certain people can respect. Again this can be seen in The Dark Knight with The Joker.  

Anyways the character is played by Gabriel Marantz who I think is quite good looking. My kind of guy. Not much about him on the Internet Movie Database, but there is something to be said for that, and by posting this in this blog it will remind me to look him back up again later on.

My apartment isn't as clean as it could be, I have more to be doing, and should get to it. I am also tempted to go to sleep for a while. 

There are thoughts on a tattoo tonight. I'm not hundreds yet if I will go through with that, but I think I might. Would probably be my last one for quite a long time. There is a great deal to be said for tattoos and a great deal to be said for free tattoos. 

Well at any rate, more later, perhaps not until I am back in Worcester. Time will tell.