Passing Afternoon

Have I used this title before? So it goes with using songs for titles... The cat and dog have missed me, they have joined me in the kitchen for this late night meal. Was "Healthy Choice" macs, now it's going to be a bowl of cereal. The question is, why is someone so desperately under weight eating Healthy Choice? The answer is because it was in the freezer!

I just took 3 more Aleve. Way to go jack! 

I miss the txt messages from Cam saying "How do you spell ______" which I would reply the proper spelling and the next day find it worked into a tattoo on his body. That's power right there, thank god they weren't hard words, because we all know I can't spell. 

I am in so much pain! Mom asks how I am and I reply "fine" but it's difficult to hide it, and I know she knows. She says she'd do anything to take the pain away. I'd do anything to take her worrying about me away. 

No one is giving me shit for being back, which tells me how much they understand how hard it was to come back. But still I wish I could have played it like Luke in Cool Hand Luke, and fought until it killed me... but then I'm not sure I didn't. I can barely move about most of the time, and now rely on a cane half the time.

I wish...

But what does it matter what I wish? I want to scream. I want it to stop. Just stop. I want to be the average 25 year old. Sometimes I wish I really was dying - my old "I don't give a shit as long as it isn't terminal" is all well and good, but if I was at least dying there would be a legitimate reason for feeling like I was! Such anger, such emotion. It's unlike me. I'm supposed to be cool and collected. 

I have been in pain for over a decade. I just want it to STOP. I graduated high school 7 years ago and what have I got to show for it? And why? Because my body is fucked, and to some extent so is my mind. Jon is building nuclear power plants and I am sitting in my mother's kitchen at 1:30 in the morning racked with pain. 

What the fuck.

How can this be?