Masters of War

I have been listening to this song a lot lately. As sung by Eddie Vedder, perhaps my favorite musician of all time, he is the lead singer/song writer for Pearl Jam, plays with a dozen other bands at random, does amazing solo work, and does some of the best covers I have ever heard, this song was written by Dylan.

Come you masters of war, you that build all the guns
You that build the death place, you that build all the guns
You that hide behind walls, you that hide behind desks
I just want you to know, I can see through your masks
You that never done nothing, but to build and destroy
You play with my world, like its your little toy
You put a drug in my head, then you hide from my eyes
And you turn and run following the fast foolish lie
Like Judas of old, you lie and deceive
A world war can be won, and you want me to believe
But I see through your eyes, and I see through your brain
Like I see through the water that runs down my drain
You that fasten all the triggers, for the others to fire
Then you sit back and watch, while the death count gets higher
You hide in your mansion, while young people's blood
Flows out their bodies and is buried in the mud
You've thrown the worst fear, that could ever be hurled
The fear to bring children, into this world
For threatenin' my baby, unborn and unnamed
You ain't worth the blood that runs in your veins
How much do I know, to talk out of turn?
You might say that I'm young, you might say I'm unlearned
But there's one thing I know, though I'm younger than you
Even Jesus would never forgive what you do
Let me ask you one question, is your money that good?
Will it buy you forgiveness? Do you think that it could?
Oh, I think you will find, when your death takes its toll
All the money you made will never buy back your soul
And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon
I'll follow your casket, in the pale afternoon
And I'll watch as your lowered, into your deathbed
And I'll stand on your grave till I'm sure that your dead




So I'm sitting here in bed at 3:35AM and I mean... I just took another 1200mg of the one drug. I'm listening to Pearl Jam covering The Who. I'm just trying... you know?

I'm hoping to see Will tonight, not sure yet, we'll see. I also got to get Chris's rear wheel to the shop for him. I gotta see Dr Starr, and I forget what else. Pay for my carbs.

I find one of the hardest things in life is to take my meds. I have this natural aversion to taking pills. I HATE it, I don't care if they are uppers or downers, I don't care if they are life savers. I just hate having to take pills, I used to not take my ritalin because even though it was GOOD for my studying, I just DONT like taking pills.

So now I have to take 4 pills three times a day, each of those is 300mg. Then there is a 50mg pill that I have to take every day. Then there is this gel that I have to rub on either my shoulders or my abs every day (not that I have abs anymore).

I think its the greatest kicker. Isn't it always the people who hate meds who have to take them? I mean HAVE to. I won't die if I stop my meds, but after a couple days I sure as hell WISH I was dead.


I feel SO much ANGER. I assure you that this is Not the way my life was supposed to work out. Look I know by all rights I have it pretty good. If I was in the 3rd World I'd be dead. I could be poor - I mean REALLY poor. I'm in a glorious fucking room right now, I mean really truly magnificent. Big windows, tall ceilings, arched walnut doors with full mirrors a soaking tub, walk in shower, etc in the next over, wonderful posters, a beautiful desk, lovely floors, king size bed. Look I GET IT, I'm Not totally fucked. I GET that.

But you know what? It still sucks. Feeling like I'm half dead all the time, I mean, well fuck I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now, and all the time - how do I put the pain and the fucked up head, how can I possibly put that into words? I can't.