Not Good.

Well... I know I haven't written in a while. Its been a fucked up week. I don't feel so good right now, I slept 23 hours today.

Yesterday was bad. A lot of people would think it was good, but it was bad. I hung out with this dude that I really liked, but didn't know so good. My 11 years of not being with a guy is sort of ended. He was cute, he had a good body. It FELT right, but my mind was reeling and I just couldn't follow through if you gather my meaning. I couldn't commit to it. So in a way it was great, because it has been a VERY long time since I have been able to feel another person up against me where there wasn't money involved. But.. I just.. I'm too fucked up in the head, and I thought that there was going to be more too it, I didn't realize that it was a hook up, and well, it all really fucked up my head. Oh god the nightmares and flashbacks I had last night, woke up in a cold sweat more than once. It was stupid, I wasn't ready for it. Sometimes you can want something SO bad that you can forget that you shouldn't.

Pains been all over the map this week, and my head is so fucked up, I think its the new pills, I'm not sure yet. Its not pot, I have barely smoked any at all since I started, though that sort of helps with the pain, I mean its not bad. I just don't know how to handle this.

I am so fucking lonely. I WANT to date someone, I want to be loved and to love. I want to be touched and to cuddle and to do all the things that with not being alone. I am so fucking tired of being alone. But I'm not ready. There is still so much fear, and so much anger with what happened to me all those years ago. I just want to curl up in a ball and not move again. I can't handle it right now, so I'm going to put it on the shelf and just keep trying to survive. No one can know how lonely this is.

Anyways... fuck it.