Bowl of Oranges

Tonight was rough with pain which is more tricky now without health insurance and thus without pain medications, but I'm working on that. Going to school tomorrow early to try to get more loans and to get a proper multi-meter.

Questions and Answers survey I stole from Cody

Do you think​ the last perso​n you kisse​d cares​ for you?
Nope, they're dead.


What are you excit​ed for?
Going to sort the Enfield this weekend and Balducci is flying in from Korea next Wed.​


Who is the third​ perso​n on your top?
The Offspring.​ I only have a handful of actual friends on here.


Do you belie​ve what goes aroun​d comes​ aroun​d?​
I try to, but it's hard sometimes, especially when so many people die far too young to get the better end of the stick.


Have you ever cried​ from being​ so mad?
Yes, but for me grief and anger tend to dance hand in hand.


Who did you last yell at?
Yell at? In anger? Nobody in at least 7-8 months.

What was the last thing​ to make you laugh​?​
Seeing Zack all strung out on cocaine - the energy drink.

Did you cry today​?​
A bit in class but that was when the pain in my ribs was up to a 9 and I was trying to sit there and shine it on, I couldn't leave because I'm not going to leave school early again, and I don't like to show strangers how much pain I'm in so I just sat there and looked depressed, instead of here where I would curl up into a ball and wait for the pain to go away or escalate till I pass out. 


Did you ever lose a best frien​d?​
Sam killed himself Feb 3 2006, I was with him when he died, his arm around my should. I don't tend to loose friends in arguments, I tend to loose friends to drugs, suicides, and murder.


Where​ will you be two hours​ from now?
In bed praying for sleep to come and take me away.


Can you make yours​elf sneez​e?​
No, when I try I end up coughing up blood. Is that bad?


What'​s your curre​nt mood?​
tired, hammered, weary, sad, but also happy and excited because I made it through class even if just being there.​

Who was the last perso​n to yell at you? For what?​
My uncle Matt because apparently my visiting him in Boulder with a not perfectly running motorcycle was a horrible burden to him. I can't blame him too much, he's apparently dying - though why he chose to tell me on the 1 year anniversary of my father's death I will never be sure. Sure as hell didn't help me, he's dad's younger brother, my favorite uncle, and frankly since he told no one else I still can't fathom what reason he would have for this.


What are you stres​sed out about​?​
My health, money, rent, school, life, love, happyness, lack of sleep.

Do you have a best frien​d?​
I have a few. The two I both know I can tell anything to and feel utterly comfortable doing so without judgement are Kyle and Liam. 

Missi​ng someo​ne?​
Yes.


Who was the last perso​n to look at you like you were crazy​?​
Some kid in class tonight.


Talke​d to a jerk today​?​
Yup, but several of my best friends are jerks, haha.

Been to a conce​rt latel​y?​
Not since just after Dad died, saw Collective Soul, Counting Crows, and Live.​

What made you sad today​?​
I was thinking about things I will never have.

Has a boy/​girl calle​d you babe or baby in the past two days?​
nope.​


Has anybo​dy ever given​ you butte​rflie​s?​
defin​itely​.​


What are your plans​ for the weeke​nd?​
Work on the Enfield, maybe the Triumph, go grocery shopping, try to connect with Joe. The usual.

What were your first​ thoug​hts this morni​ng?​
....fuck....

Do you know anyon​e who has messe​d up your life?​
I can think of a few who are still alive, but most of them are dead now.​


Is there​ any meani​ng behin​d your profi​le song?​
All of them connect with some part of my soul.


Are most of the frien​ds in your life new or old?
In my life here? All new. But they are solid reliable friends, which makes them the best kind.


Do you want to hit somet​hing?​
I would if my hands didn't hurt so damned much


Who'​s the last perso​n you hugge​d?​
ummmm.... Jasmine I think, a couple months ago, before that it was family members in July '08, before that it was a lot of people in july '07 when dad died, and before that it had been years.


Day been rough​?​
Not till about 8:30PM


is there​ someo​ne you want to be spend​ing time with right​ now?
I can think of a few people who I wish were in my apartment with me, but I hold no expectations of them ever being in here with me.

Plans​ for your next birth​day?​
Thats 11 months from now, part of me wonders if I'll even still be alive.


Are you open about​ your feeli​ngs or close​d off?
I will answer any direct question openly and honestly, and I write a lot, but I don't generally TELL people things on my own accord. 


What are you liste​ning to?
Bowl of Oranges - Bright Eyes


Do you think​ your best frien​d and you will be frien​ds in 10 years​?​
I've been friends with Kyle since 2002, and I have been friends with Liam since 2004. With the beauty of the internet - assuming the entire world doesnt fuck itself soon, yes.

How long have you known​ your best frien​d?​
I just answered that didn't I? Kyle 7 years, Liam 5 years, Brent 10 years, Jon 11 years, John 10 years, Paul 5 years, Chris 5 years... 


Did you laugh​ at somet​hing today​?​
Several things in class I think.

What do you want right​ now?
Peace with all the things I'm not at peace with. That and money. Money would be more useful as I need it for rent, food, health care, medication, insurance, etc.

Did you enjoy​ your last weeke​nd?​
A pal of mine shot himself in the head which kind of put a damper on things.​

Two Songs I love, one by Bright Eyes, one by Josh RItter

I don't expect you to read everything, so I'll bold what means the most to me.

Rumors - Josh Ritter

Serenade me with rocks, love
No lullabies through the locks love
I locked myself in with the band
But the music's never loud enough

Decibels in the belfry
Hey what the hell if it helps me
I put a whip to the kick drum
But the music's never loud enough

So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone

My orchestra is gigantic
This thing could sink the Titanic
And the string section's screaming
Like horses in a barn burning up

He plays pianos with fistfuls
Of broken Belvedere crystal
And he's trying to forget you
But the music's never loud enough

So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone

He's impaling the front row
Fighting fires with arrows
And he'll act like he forgot you
But the music's never loud enough

So you're gonna have to show me
How that dance is done
The one where somebody leaves someone

Bowl of Oranges - Bright Eyes

The rain, it started tapping on the window near my bed. 

There was a loophole in my dreaming,
so I got out of it. 

And to my surprise my eyes were wide and already open.
Just my nightstand and my dresser where those nightmares had just been.
So I dressed myself and left then, out into the gray streets.
But everything seemed different and completely new to me.
The sky, the trees, houses, buildings, even my own body.
And each person I encountered, I couldn't wait to meet.
I came upon a doctor who appeared in quite poor health.
I said "{I am terribly sorry but} there is nothing I can do for you
{that} you can't do for yourself."
He said "Oh yes you can. Just hold my hand. I think that would help."
So I sat with him a while and then I asked him how he felt.
He said, "I think I'm cured. No, in fact, I'm sure.
Thank you Stranger, for your therapeutic smile."
So that is how I learned the lesson that everyone is alone.
And your eyes must do some raining if you are ever going to grow.
But when crying don't help and you can't compose yourself.
It is best to compose a poem, an honest verse of longing or simple song of hope.
That is why I'm singing...
Baby don't worry cause now I got your back. And every time you feel like crying,
I'm gonna try and make you laugh. And if I can't, if it just hurts too bad,
then we will wait for it to pass and I will keep you company
through those days so long and black.
And we'll keep working on the problem we know we'll never solve 
Of Love's uneven remainders, our lives are fractions of a whole.
But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall.
Then I think we would see the beauty.
Then we would stand staring in awe at our still lives posed like a bowl of oranges,
like a story told by the fault lines and the soil.

Hatchett

Ok so there was the one dude at my school who I was utterly convinced was gay, but closeted. That would be Davis. Cute as hell. 

He's my type. Shorter, skinny, strong, good features. Had all the signs and flags that I look for - which can be tricky because I don't go for the obvious gays. But he just... you look at him and you think "he's gay". But then that girl in the picture... well that's his wife. Not like oh me and my gf are practically married.... no no no... they ARE married. So errrr.... well he could be gay, he could be bi, or I could have had it totally wrong and he is most certainly straight. 

This is a bit of a disappointment even though I knew from the start that he was out of my class. I rate looks in old naval terms. You have brigs, sloops, 3rd rate, 2nd rate, and 1st rate frigates, you have 1 deckers, 2 deckers, and 3 deckers. The last three can also be cataloged by rates. At any rate in general looks when cleaned up I'm a 1st rate frigate. Davis is a 1st rate 3 decker. See a frigate wouldn't normally fight a 3 decker because they are out gunned, out manned, and thus it is out of their class. There is no loss of honor in tucking in your tail and running like hell from a 3 decker. 

So that's the end of Davis. I'll continue to be nice, and I will try to become a friend to some extent, but I will not make any attempts to make any indication that I am interested. The risk has gone up quite a bit higher with him.

I should point out that by all rights I am closeted here. I wasn't back in Worcester. I've never been a flag flyer. I have as much pride in being bisexual as the average straight guy has in being straight. He doesn't fly a flag, he doesn't walk around saying "Hi, I'm Tom, and I'm Heterosexual" and I see no reason and feel no reason to do so either. But back East it was common knowledge from the age of 18 to 24 when I moved out here. Everyone who knew me or knew of me - knew. It just gets around. 

Out here I haven't said "Oh, hey, by the way, I dig guys too - oh, ya, actually more than girls" because in the beginning the toasts of "More Beers, Fewer Queers" dissolved any inclination to do so, and as time went on I just haven't had the opprotunity. As anyone who is gay or bi - but not obviously so knows, it's a bit tricky because you ACTUALLY HAVE TO SAY IT. Which I find awkward as hell. It is my personal life and not something I tend to talk about. I play cards close to my chest as it where. And no one has said "Hey are you gay" - to which the answer is technically No. But they also haven't said "Hey are you Bi?" or my favorite "Any chance you aren't totally into girls?" which leaves a lot of room to tread water - which is why it has always been my line of choice.

Now... Hatchett. That is the name of a dude in my current class. Cute dude. He actually looks quite a bit like that dude Shannon who has a blog on here, the same boyish face. But his face is just excellent. Good strong arms too. That's really all I can gather with our school uniforms. He's a nice kid, works hard, asks for help when he needs it.

I found his myspace and his facebook last night. On facebook he's not listed as gay or straight, he's just not listed. Myspace is private. I sent an add tonight. So we'll see how that goes. He is the guy who I would love to get to know more. He's a california skater. Down to earth guy. He's not built like Davis. But he's definitely out of my class as well. Still I feel an obligation to try. 

The only other obvious kid is well... obvious. Of course the Emo scene has thrown us all for a loop because before a dude who acted a bit fem, wore women's jeans, and all that crap were quite obviously gay. But now you have Emo guys who dress like gayish guys who could very well be straight guys... *shakes fist at Emo scene* ... This dude, I don't even know his name is cute, blonde, and well I swear to Poseidon that he is gay. But I have been wrong before. 

At any rate that's it for me for now. We'll see what happens. And by We I mean Me because I am quite certain I am the only person here. 

Agenda

Find food.

Do my homework.

Go to school for 6 hours.

Go to sleep.

Get up.

Repeat.

Greasy hands

As I lay here in my apartment stretched out on the couch, I listen to Eddie Vedder and think about escaping into some other state.

The couch as I think I have said is terribly as far as fashion, style, or comfort is concerned. Its sort of a collage of browns greens and pinks stitched in some horrific patternless patter that makes your eyes ache.

I am wearing my jeans, no socks or shoes, no underwear - which I stopped using back in July when I discovered the extent of Arizona heat, and my coach belt given to me by my Uncle George on my way across the United States - again - back in July.

My upper body leaves much to be desired for muscles, actually most of my body is that way, but I am not at all fat, not in the least bit. What little form I have is muscles hung on to the frame as you would throw a worn shirt up on a coat rack. 

My hair is short, but growing out slightly, my face has not been cleanly shaved in a couple of days but what facial hair exists is less than 1/8th of an inch long, it is however a blood red - for sake of my irish and german heritage.

My hands which have always been my best feature are stained black and grey with oil and grease, my right thumb is stained worse than any other bit. 

Around my neck hangs a silver necklace which Zack gave me the night I keeled over and withered on the floor of his apartment. An act I did again last night although I did make it out of his place before it hit me full, and with the help of Zack and Zero - both Texans - I made it to my bed where I withered around until painkillers took hold and brought the pain in my chest, a deep striking pain - like knives but also as though someone had an expander inside my rib cage and was trying to force it apart which leaves me clutching my chest and sides trying to hold it all together in vain - because it's just the muscles and my ribs aren't really expanding nor contracting.

I can just make out the loop of the Triumph logo which is tattooed across my chest. My feet tingle and my hands ache, except for my right hand pinky which is experiencing a sharpened pain which makes me not want to bend it in the least.

My teeth are yellow and stained from tobacco smoke, and my tongue is much the same. My eyes have bags below from fitful sleep, and the eyeballs themselves appear to be bloodshot. 

No one would mistake me for attractive, though I once was. When the shrinks informed me that the damage that was done from some years of abuse was most likely uncorrectable and that horrible fear that strikes me down to my core and grips my heart and makes me want to curl up into a ball when ever someone wants to show any sense of intimate contact with me was never going to go away - that it can not be fixed, that this is just the way I am designed now -- that is when I stopped worrying about my general appearance. That is when I stopped trying to look good for others, when the idea of attracting anyone from the opposite sex or the same sex became more of a trouble than of a welcome relief to the loneliness.

The Royal Enfield is once again a road bike. Not a safe road bike with multiple speeds. It actually only has one working gear which there is quite a bit of effort in finding, you have to use your hand to shift from neutral into gear. But god what fun it is to ride! You have no idea. If you get used to heavy bikes, and all bikes seem heavy compared to this one, and oh how it steers, it is quite a blast to ride and will go 50 in the gear that is available at this time.

I will pull the gearbox apart sometime this week and find out where the other gears have run off to. 

kinda fucked up

was down in zack's apartment listening to him and zero playing music. a good night till my body started to fuck up on me. it hit it's limit and they had to abandon the rest of the group and bring me back here. pain is down due mostly to a painkiller i was given. really starting to kick in now. feeling loose and drowsy. gonna strip down and pass out pretty quick. watching 'sleepers' which is never a good idea for me because my past hits so close to home. 

more later, but i'll probably pass out before too long. if there's a god i'll pass out. 

Bikes, Trucks, batteries, smokes, pepsi, records, and dreams.

Bikes, Trucks, batteries, smokes, pepsi, records, and dreams.

Bikes are always on my mind, as you may well know. Worked on the Royal Enfield last night. I installed the 

two new pushrods in the bike and we started her up, and well she ran pretty damned well. There is some

serious frustration in the fact that the battery is shot, so I got myself a new one of those today, it's in the top

box as we speak. With the new battery there are serious hopes that the bike will run like a clock, and that will

be the end of it. Then I can bring the bike home and give Joe his lift back.

Joe bought a 1954 Chevy pickup truck for $1000 which he intends to restore. It was running when he got it

but looks like a well used unrestored truck from the 50s. In other words it's beat to shit. But he has high hopes

and is really getting into it. He's a bit tired of bikes at the moment, tired of the hardship that goes with them,

and looking forward to a 50s pickup. When he was a kid he and his father restored a 1949 Ford pickup which

he has told me a great deal about.

Now maybe restore is the wrong word. Joe and I think a lot alike. We don't restore things back to original

spec. We update and modify. So this truck is getting a V8 out of a sports car, disc brakes, modernish

electrics, and new paint. The truck will be incredibly fast off the line and hellishly fun to drive.

Now I myself an a low horse power kind of guy. I like bikes with about 50HP where as Joe likes bikes with

about 150HP. The truck is the same. He is removing the straight 6 that the truck came with for the V8. I

myself love a straight six, and will be sad to see it go.

The new pipes are proving to be quite wonderful. Both of them with their silver bands by the stem, their

wooden bowls which I think are made of briar. The fact that they are made in Dublin is something I find

delightful, and that is simply style I suppose, but they are great for smoking and hang off the jaw just right

so you can smoke hands free. They also come broken in, which is delightful as they light with one match,

where as every pipe I have bought prior to these you had to go through a dozen matches to keep them lit

until they were properly broken in some days later.

Pepsi is of course my drink of choice, and between the drink and the smoking my teeth have suffered most

cruelly. I have never claimed to be an attractive gent, well I used to be about 10 years ago, but now I am

somewhat haggard looking. Something I strive off of. As I cannot ever be with anyone I have to go in a

different direction. That direction for me is opposite of what many others would hope to achieve. I cannot

even begin to remember the last time anyone checked me out, and that is the point. I can't deal with physical

contact anymore - scares the hell out of me - so if I look like hell then I am treated as a wrench and the cute

guys and girls leave me alone, actually everyone does - in the sexual sense. The only time I spend in bed

tends to be with middle aged housewives and that's because I am VERY good at it and they care more about

my being 10-20 years younger than they are than they do that I may not be the best looking guy on the road.

I can only do that, could only do that because it was a job. I can't stand the contact on a purely emotional

level anymore with women than I can with men.

Records continue to be a saving grace for me. I am listening to a Live U2 record from the 80s right now. It's

a bit battered and has been played a LOT, all the high notes have been worn away - funny how you can do

that with records. But that's alright. I would rather listen to a flat record than a brand new CD.

Dreams are something else again. For as long as I can remember I have been having nightmares. I have been

having them nightly since I was 11. That's 14 years of nightmares. Well last night Padraic was in my dreams.

He's a slim bi dude that I have known for about 5 years, on and off, and he's really cool. In the dream we

were cuddling, which was positively wonderful. I think we were both younger in the dream, I was still in my

my teens and he was maybe 17. The added difference is that I am 25 and he is now 19 I think. But it was the

most wonderful dream. 

In the beginning of the month I had a dream about Connor who is 18 now, he's a

magnificent actor and a genuinely good guy, and it was not at all sexual, but we were hanging out and I was

being accepted. In that one I was my current age and ran into him and this dude Tom in a grocery store, and

we were all laughing and joking. Then when he and Tom were going out to dinner I invited myself - I re-

member such fear at the thought of rejection, because I didn't want to be alone, I didn't want it to end - and I

think that had he rejected me then the dream would have gone into a nightmare. So Connor was safety. Tom

I have never met, he's younger, but I have seen him in at least two shows at SJ so I know a bit. Well the

dream went through dinner and ended at SJ in the theater working on a set - which is also how I know

Connor - he has helped the tech crew on a couple of sets for PJ's shows which I have been working on since

I was a senior way back in 2002.

Those two dreams are the only two pleasant dreams I have had in the last 14 years, and I would like to think

that having 2 in one month might just mean that there is a chance that my mind is finally repairing itself from

the inside, repair from all of the trauma that I have experienced over the years.

That gives me Hope.