Hard Night

It's 6:44AM at this moment, and I haven't written here in a while. I haven't written anywhere in a while, I just haven't felt much like writing. Life has been more valleys than hills. The other night I actually sawed open my old gun safe hoping to find a revolver I remembered keeping in there some time back, instead I found a book that saved my life when I was 15, and a suicide note I wrote when I was 18. You have to laugh at the irony. 

My mother had a bit of a breakdown last night. I haven't seen or experienced anything so utterly shattering since my father died. She was smart though, she wanted to go to the hospital. So I got ready to take her and then Al showed up and at first he tried to stop it - didn't realize how serious things were, but then he did a turn around and off we went. For a little while we didn't think she would be admitted, and then things turned out and we met with a social worker and she suggested mom go in for 3 days. She's in a hospital in one of the surrounding towns. 

I'm so used to feeling suicidal. I'm so used to feeling like the world is crashing down on top of me. I'm not used to watching mom come unglued, I've never actually seen it happen. Her boss holds a lot of responsibility for this and I want to hit him REALLY hard with a baseball bat. 

So here I am, here I am sitting here in my bed in mom's house and my body feels like total shit, broken down, and where is mom? She's in the hospital. That leaves me taking care of the dog and the cat for a few days, doing up the dishes when I can, some laundry. Holy shit. Just... holy shit.

I have the car on the road at last, so that is very good. That is very very good. I'd be right fucked if I didn't. I'd be full on out of my fucking head. I'm getting there anyways. I'm getting there. How much? How can this be? 

Don't let it bring you down... it's only castles burning.

Tonight.. Tonight..

But can you fake it?

For just one more show..

and what do you want?

I want to change

And what do you got?

When you feel the same

Even though I know...

and I lost it... and yes I know its a different song than the title. I'm feeling random tonight. 

I'm on stickam at the moment in the forum room with AJ, Carl, Dave, and Stefan. It's a good way to fill the hours when you have no other choice.

Brent was here earlier. That was good. 

We sorted the tools, pulled the engine out of the Norton frame and figured out some mounting work. I have to cut the center stand brackets off for sure. Then I want to clean up the frame and spray the lower bits with truck bed liner so that it won't rust in the winter time. The upper ends of the frame will be sprayed with fresh black rustoliam I think. 

Engine plates will be in 2 places, front and back, no bottom mounts for now. 

We also have worked out the idea for the head pipes again, we just have to figure out the best way to do it. If all else fails I'll have to pay someone, but there is a GREAT muffler shop in town. 

As you can see I am a big fan of Eddie Vedder - not just his music, but the man. 

I have been thinking of dad a LOT lately. God I miss him so much. I know that he is proud of me, I have been fighting so hard. My life isn't working out the way I'd planned you know. I thought I'd be a history teacher, or a camera man, or a techie, or a chef, or a motorcycle mechanic.... ANYTHING... not a bed ridden, underweight, muscle lacking, stressed out....

this isn't self doubt or anything. My friends, so many of my old friends are dead. Sam died in my arms. Nick was dead long before he died. 

But I am still alive. I may be sick, I may have 3 syndromes, but I will fucking beat it. No one will ever stop me. I am my father's son. 

If I want something, then I fight like hell for it. 

Another wedding picture

That is my brother, myself, Mom, Father Tom, and Justin as we wait for Lisa - my brother's new wife to come down the isle. I think every guy up there had his heart in his mouth at the time. 

We're contemplating turning into a more traditional New Englander family. Selling this monster of a house and buying a 3 unit. Mom would take the 1st floor, I'd get the 2nd or 3rd. It depends on if Al & Lisa want to move in. If they did and decided to have a kid soon then Mom & I would be around to help with the raising of said child. Then again I don't relish the idea of pulling down ALL these pics! Even if it does mean I have my own pad again. God I miss having my own apartment, I mean this is close, but it's still my mother's basement *sigh* 

My health doesn't seem to improve very fast. 3 Syndromes it looks like *shakes fist*

Been listening to a LOT of Bush - thats a band to you young'uns. Not that anyone reads this anyways.

It was a great wedding. Saw a lot of people I haven't seen in forever. It was also great to see Tom, I haven't seen much of him since he became a priest. Thats 6 years now... my god how time moves. It's amazing what becoming a priest does to a conservative. He's become a much more loving guy. It was good to talk to him, and he proved himself to be the type of a priest that I remember in the fact that he came over to talk to me every time my body failed and left me hunkered down some place separate from everyone else.

There was a picture taken by the wedding photographer of my Uncle John - for whom I am named, and Tom, and I out on the grass talking. I'm sitting there with the pipe in my mouth, John is sitting next to me with a glass of wine in his hand, and Tom is standing above us talking. It is a picture I really want a copy of, I want to hang that one on my wall. 

I am growing tired of being bed bound again. I got some time in with the speed bag the other day which felt DAMNED GOOD. It was only about 9 minutes, I used to have far more stamina. But it still brought me back to feeling Human again. Or nearly so. 

I wondered into Gary's page today, first time in ages - just been out of it lately I guess, and saw he was talking about another blogger. I've become somewhat of a recluse again and so haven't read up on Shannon in a while. So the new one in Justin so I went to check him out - and what do you know he's in the same state? How do I find locals through guys on the other side of the world? Hahahahaha dear old Gary, thank you mate!

The Bush I am listening to is their live stuff from Woodstock 99. Machinehead at the moment, The Little Things before this, Everything Zen, Comedown, etc... I used to SO love this band. 

I prefer the non live track for better listening, but hey... there is something to be said for live music.

Here is Machinehead studio:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Er1bwzZCik0

And here is the song I want to part company with - Society - by Eddie Vedder:

A bunch of Photos I found of myself, friends, and bikes, from Phoenix.

This was my second tattoo, the Triumph logo, old school, straight to the chest, hurt like a motherfucker.

I discovered this neat thing, if you stop for too long (like 10 minutes) then it begins to heal, then when the artist starts back up the pain is even worse.

But the end product was something that I truly love, and it really shows how much I love Triumph bikes, you can think that's stupid, but I don't. They make me happy, and in my life that is Very important. 

These are actually Cam giving me my first Tattoo which is the Norton logo, it really should be on my chest, and the Triumph on my shoulder blade, but Norton is my greatest love, and this being my first tattoo that is what I went with. Because I'm so thin, Cam said it was like hitting bone the whole time =p

Thats Zach on the table getting his soon to be wife's name tattooed to his chest. That necklace he's wearing his father gave him when he was 14. He gave it to me when I collapsed in his apartment from pain, one of many attacks which was one of the reasons I had to abandon Phoenix. 

This is a Sleeve Zach wanted and Cam did for him. 

Without a doubt these were my two best friends in Phoenix, and even that I'm gone I consider them to be still. Zach in the shirt, Cam without. Zach is pointing at the first tattoo he's ever done, the webbing on Cam's knee. 

Cam is actually now in jail, and looking at 15 years. It makes me very sad because this is one of the nicest guys I've ever know. He cleaned up, found Jesus, quit smoking, quit drinking, was getting the best grades at MMI, was doing incredibly well, he's a brilliant tattoo artist, and as loyal and true a friend as anyone could ever wish for - and he was arrested for small time shit he did a few years ago, and they trumped up the charges. 

On the left we have Mike, he was a really cool guy, I was in classes with him for 12 weeks. He was always really nice, talked to you, sarcastic as fuck, my kind of guy, and one of Cam's best friends out here. One night he put a .50 caliber pistol in his mouth and blew his brains out. It was quite sad, still is. But we've all seen death, all of us there.

Ahhh The GROUP

L->R: Ian, Cam, Zach, Barrat, Callie, Jazmine, Steve

L->R: Cam, Steve, Barrat, Ian.... The Outsiders?

New Years Eve? I'm actually Not sure when this was taken.

L->R: ?, Zero, Cam, Ian, Steve, and Zach on his knees.

This is Everybody

Standing L->R: Cam, Jazmine, Ian

Sitting L->R: Chris, Steve, Myself, Will & his Girl.

Cam, in his riding clothes, and his school shirt. 

Here we have Ian and Cam. Ian was one of the most mellow, happy, nice, cool guys I knew there. Loved loud angry music, dirtbiking, all sorts of shit, lived in a wild part of Colorado. A month or two after I left I heard the news. He was drunk or high and carrying his pistol around, Steve said I don't like guns in my house. Ian said "Its Not loaded, See Watch" and put the gun to his head and shot himself. Last I heard (sometime ago) he was in critical condition. I continue to pray for him, but don't have the heart to ask if he's still alive. 

New Years Eve. Minus the hat and blanket that was pretty much my winter rig for clothes. I ended up forcing Zach to accept that pipe as a gift before I left to come back here. Its a Brebbia made in Italy. Great pipe. I was probably smoking Bombay Extra by McClelland. Which was Dad's favorite blend.

Cam and Chris, we called Chris "Sir Revs Alot" I'm not sure who thought that up, they were probably VERY drunk, but it stuck. He had a new Harley and just ran the piss out of it. Great guy, one of many to force me to accept food. He worked at a mexican resteurant and gave me one of the best meals I've ever had when Cam told him I had next to no food. 

This is a 1995 Kawasaki KZ1000P - the P stands for Police, I bought it in Feb of 2008, it came with a radio rack, rear cases, rear crashbars, front crashbars, and a giant fairing which I took off the day I got to Phoenix. It broke down 5 times on the way across, blew out an average of 1 qt of oil per day on my left boot, and was just pretty damned miserable. 

2 days after arriving in Phoenix it died again 1 block from the apts, I abandoned it for the day and pushed it home that night at like 2am. The next day I went out and bought another bike.

I met Cam at a party in the apartment next door to mine, where Barratt and this kid Corey were living. Cam and Will banged on my door and ordered that I join them. We all became good friends, pretty quick. Later down by the pool Cam asked if I was going to sell the KZ, and I said ya, how much you got, we decided more or less on a $1000, and Will was asking very specific questions which I was answering dead honest.

I bailled on them for the night, and in my apartment I thought, "You know what? Fuck it" so I went back out, walked into Barrat's apt where Cam, Will, Zach, and everyone was hanging out, and said to Cam "You know what, you can have it" This seemed to blow everyone away, I guess they just weren't expecting it, I was misty, but thats because I get such a high out of doing cool things for people. I made a few friends for life that night, wasn't my plan, I just figured he could use a bike, I had a spare bike, he liked it, he'd love it, he could have it. 

This was it the day he got it, he took this picture. 

Cam likes Rat bikes, I do too. So he decided to make the KZ a Ratbike, by the way, the problem was 2 wires. He lowered it, made it a hard tail, used a seat I gave him, a different headlight I gave him, and a tail light I gave him. He really loved that bike. I think he paid me for some parts, and he gave me free food, and Zero, Zach, and I all got free tattoos - as well as others. 

In the background you can see my second 73 Triumph, God I loved that bike, I got too sick to start it (kick only) and had to sell it. 

KZ, Triumph Tiger, and Royal Enfield Bullet. 

I had more in mind for writing but it's 5AM. So I'm going to just go to bed. 

Hard Sun

Now I'm more in the mood to write, and I don't know what the difference is, or was. I don't know what subtle change there is that makes me go from there to here. 

My mate Wingnut is dating another mate of mine. They're both close, but W is closer by far. He is one of the closest friends I've ever had. 

I'm sitting here in the basement middle room, and I'm talking to him about Love, such an important subject, and my mind is all over the map. There are so few people who I love. I love my mother and my brother - of course. I love many a dead friend. I loved dad so much it hurt. I love Kyle. I love Liam. I love Wingnut. 

I need to clean my space down here. I need to really sort it out, really pull it together. I had such great plans for this space, and then my body came apart. Now my body is pulling back together and I need to get this place sorted out again. 

And just like that *poof* my inspiration is gone =[