Yes as the title states I am feeling remarkably out of it right now. I Did get to the Boulevard a few hours ago. But I just took my 1200mg of Gabapenton, my 50mg of Sertraline, and I still have some hydrocodone in my system, soooo I don't feel so hot right now.
I'm downloading 'The Good Heart' which I have wanted to see for quite some time.
As I sat eating lunch earlier today, I took this for one of those "what do you look like right now" threads on one of the forums, and I have to say that I really am going to miss this house, I doubt I will ever live in something so beautifully put together again.
I am not 100& sure what I want to call this, and this is just my first dive at it, it will be better thought out in the future and this small explanation will vanish.
I find that it has been a common thing among us to think that we, our generation, our society is somehow significantly improved from the world as it was 100, 200, 300, etc years ago. We are not. Our technology is better, but I don't think that mankind as a whole has changed nor improved all that much in the last 1000 years.
Go back and think about mankind. See this is where more active research will be needed, all I have now are off hand references without the documented fact to back them up. But look back. How many years ago did we evolve into what you see today as a naked figure? How many years ago did we develop speech? Writing? If you look at humanity in the long view going back to when we were knuckle draggers then this last 1,000 years has been a skipping stone in a lake, we've gone one skip, MAYBE two.
What I mean, and this is hard because the medications are reeking havoc on my ability to stay coherent. People think that we are so progressive because we can now fly, or we can administer medicine, build tall building, computers, cell phones, and so on.
But if you take away the technology, how different are we from the Romans? Or the English Empire in the 1700-1800s? From the early Americans? How different are we from any of these people? If anything we have regressed.
Sure some things have changed, Slavery is mostly dead, but not really, I mean it still exists all over the world, just not in as great force. Color is not as big of an issue as it once was. More people can read and write. Gays are becoming more commonly accepted. Yes, some things are better. But when and where? I mean really?
Black men were free in England and other countries decades before they were in America. Gays were repressed to the same extent they were 50 years ago, it hadn't changed much, it was still illegal in the military - you'd get hanged.
Now you cry out, What is this?! We don't murder in the streets or in the military anymore. But we also don't have a sense of honor nor respect anymore.
Duels were fought over honor for the most part. Now you look at the word honor and maybe you giggle a little bit. Did you know that even as far as the 1800s captured officers, gentleman, were allowed to keep their sword and to roam free about a city, as long as they gave their word as a gentleman that they would not attempt escape? Who now really trusts someone's word?
Ah, but we don't have fighting to the death. But we do have cage matches, on TV with millions of Americans cheering for men who are beating on each other. Do I misunderstand the sport? No, I get it, I actually do, I understand and respect people who put their bodies to that test. But that doesn't change what it is. We have a blood thirst for violence. That has not changed.
Has the situation of the poor changed? Has it really? So many of them in prison, looked down upon in the streets, begging. Have we really progressed? You cry out, We have Shelters! But you know that there have been soup kitchens and poor houses for centuries.
We are still young as anything. We still struggle with gods and prophets. We still have little understanding of what is in the heavens. We still treat people the same, we still fight wars over simple matters.
I challenge anyone to show some form of progress we have made that is not based on technology. Some giant shift in the culture that can not be shown to have existed within the last 1000 years or before. I challenge anyone to show something that shows if you take the technology away we as a people are any different than we were before.
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So here is my other thought. I am bored and I am wasting away.
My friends are scattering, and I have nothing against them for it. But say.. Kyle is almost always in Boston, which at least is close, Brent lives in Conn 5 days a week and works up here the other 2, he is around for another year or so but he has his eyes set on NY or some other meca. Liam is in NH year round, Paul is moving to Salem, Jon spends far more time in Korea than the United States. I think Will will eventually head to California or such.
This is all totally cool, god bless technology (yes I realize the irony), and some are sticking around for ever I think, John and Stevie. Mikey will be around but he's incredibly busy. Chris I think is staying fairly local. I mean I do have friends here.
But what I miss more than anything else is school. Oh ho, I can see Brent scratching his head. But its not the atmosphere, though I do miss classroom antics, no no, its the work. I miss History courses, I miss writing papers, I miss reading books I wouldn't think to read, and hearing views on thins that no one else would think. I miss learning.
So what I think I'm going to do is start reading again, there are a ton of my dad's books around. I will read and I will write about what I am reading or I will explore idea. I will eventually begin writing papers again, though they will probably be put in a drawer. I need to wake my mind back up, I used to be better that this.
I don't mean to whine. I feel very not good right now. Its sort of hard to describe, unless you've ever come off of hard drugs, then I am guessing you more or less know that sense of ache and uncomfort. The catch of course is I'm not coming off hard drugs, I'm just taking my daily allotments of pills and wishing that I'll wake up one day and feel my age. There is absolutely no comfort here. I say it here because I hate saying it out loud. I mean if you're in some form of pain 24/7 eventually you want to tell someone, but how can you? People don't want to hear that you're in pain - it makes them uncomfortable. It makes you seem weak for talking about it. You want to talk about feeling weak? I swear to God and all that is Holy that if I had an easy way out of this RIGHT now I'd take it. That's why I don't keep easy way outs around me.
When people ask me what I do for a living I smile and say "I live off your taxes" but I think I might change that to "I survive" or something a little more sinister. No I don't have Cancer, and I'm not dying any faster than you. But oh my god every fucking day I feel like I'm either rotting away or having a fucking heart attack - which hurts so bad that breathing brings tears to my eyes. So life is an endurance race, the hope is that at some point there is a vast improvement.
I'm slowly taking over the Masterbedroom. Today I slowly shifted most of my clothes into my father's dresser. The top drawer is still mostly his stuff, I don't have the heart to clean it out. I have an idea for that though. It almost seems like sacrilage. If you want a real eye opener I am laying in the spot where he died, and I sleep on his side of the bed. Most of his Model Engineering books are up here, as well as books on engines, sweating pipe, and electricity from the 1920s. Even a book from the 30s on building your own telescope. These weren't collector's items for dad, he read them and put what they taught into practice, I will probably be doing some of the same, I plan on using one of them to help me as I want to make copper fuel lines for the Yamaha XS400 - I think it is my best shot at what I need to do.
Alright, I am going to hobble down and breathe some smoke. I might as well have a reason to feel like death incarnate.
Well... I know I haven't written in a while. Its been a fucked up week. I don't feel so good right now, I slept 23 hours today.
Yesterday was bad. A lot of people would think it was good, but it was bad. I hung out with this dude that I really liked, but didn't know so good. My 11 years of not being with a guy is sort of ended. He was cute, he had a good body. It FELT right, but my mind was reeling and I just couldn't follow through if you gather my meaning. I couldn't commit to it. So in a way it was great, because it has been a VERY long time since I have been able to feel another person up against me where there wasn't money involved. But.. I just.. I'm too fucked up in the head, and I thought that there was going to be more too it, I didn't realize that it was a hook up, and well, it all really fucked up my head. Oh god the nightmares and flashbacks I had last night, woke up in a cold sweat more than once. It was stupid, I wasn't ready for it. Sometimes you can want something SO bad that you can forget that you shouldn't.
Pains been all over the map this week, and my head is so fucked up, I think its the new pills, I'm not sure yet. Its not pot, I have barely smoked any at all since I started, though that sort of helps with the pain, I mean its not bad. I just don't know how to handle this.
I am so fucking lonely. I WANT to date someone, I want to be loved and to love. I want to be touched and to cuddle and to do all the things that with not being alone. I am so fucking tired of being alone. But I'm not ready. There is still so much fear, and so much anger with what happened to me all those years ago. I just want to curl up in a ball and not move again. I can't handle it right now, so I'm going to put it on the shelf and just keep trying to survive. No one can know how lonely this is.
I have been listening to this song a lot lately. As sung by Eddie Vedder, perhaps my favorite musician of all time, he is the lead singer/song writer for Pearl Jam, plays with a dozen other bands at random, does amazing solo work, and does some of the best covers I have ever heard, this song was written by Dylan.
Come you masters of war, you that build all the guns You that build the death place, you that build all the guns You that hide behind walls, you that hide behind desks I just want you to know, I can see through your masks You that never done nothing, but to build and destroy You play with my world, like its your little toy You put a drug in my head, then you hide from my eyes And you turn and run following the fast foolish lie Like Judas of old, you lie and deceive A world war can be won, and you want me to believe But I see through your eyes, and I see through your brain Like I see through the water that runs down my drain You that fasten all the triggers, for the others to fire Then you sit back and watch, while the death count gets higher You hide in your mansion, while young people's blood Flows out their bodies and is buried in the mud You've thrown the worst fear, that could ever be hurled The fear to bring children, into this world For threatenin' my baby, unborn and unnamed You ain't worth the blood that runs in your veins How much do I know, to talk out of turn? You might say that I'm young, you might say I'm unlearned But there's one thing I know, though I'm younger than you Even Jesus would never forgive what you do Let me ask you one question, is your money that good? Will it buy you forgiveness? Do you think that it could? Oh, I think you will find, when your death takes its toll All the money you made will never buy back your soul And I hope that you die, and your death will come soon I'll follow your casket, in the pale afternoon And I'll watch as your lowered, into your deathbed And I'll stand on your grave till I'm sure that your dead
So I'm sitting here in bed at 3:35AM and I mean... I just took another 1200mg of the one drug. I'm listening to Pearl Jam covering The Who. I'm just trying... you know?
I'm hoping to see Will tonight, not sure yet, we'll see. I also got to get Chris's rear wheel to the shop for him. I gotta see Dr Starr, and I forget what else. Pay for my carbs.
I find one of the hardest things in life is to take my meds. I have this natural aversion to taking pills. I HATE it, I don't care if they are uppers or downers, I don't care if they are life savers. I just hate having to take pills, I used to not take my ritalin because even though it was GOOD for my studying, I just DONT like taking pills.
So now I have to take 4 pills three times a day, each of those is 300mg. Then there is a 50mg pill that I have to take every day. Then there is this gel that I have to rub on either my shoulders or my abs every day (not that I have abs anymore).
I think its the greatest kicker. Isn't it always the people who hate meds who have to take them? I mean HAVE to. I won't die if I stop my meds, but after a couple days I sure as hell WISH I was dead.
I feel SO much ANGER. I assure you that this is Not the way my life was supposed to work out. Look I know by all rights I have it pretty good. If I was in the 3rd World I'd be dead. I could be poor - I mean REALLY poor. I'm in a glorious fucking room right now, I mean really truly magnificent. Big windows, tall ceilings, arched walnut doors with full mirrors a soaking tub, walk in shower, etc in the next over, wonderful posters, a beautiful desk, lovely floors, king size bed. Look I GET IT, I'm Not totally fucked. I GET that.
But you know what? It still sucks. Feeling like I'm half dead all the time, I mean, well fuck I can't even begin to describe how I feel right now, and all the time - how do I put the pain and the fucked up head, how can I possibly put that into words? I can't.
I think that I am being shunned by certain SJ grads, I have emailed two in the last few weeks, and both have gone unanswered. I am displeased by this, but not all that surprised. We were never "friends" we were just on good terms, I guess my year of being down, and not talking to anyone really outside my circle, I guess that broke the terms. Still, I was mildly surprised, they are both incredibly nice guys, so I did expect something.
I don't feel well, I'm going to lay down for a bit..
This probably won't be very long. I'm not sure, I can't really tell.
Yesterday was a scorcher, and man I was out in the car for a while, had to go to Western MA for an apt with the people. Mind you the car has no AC - we removed the whole assembly. After that I went to Conn to visit Brent at the helicopter school where he's a flight instructor. That was good. Ended up driving home without a shirt due to the heat. Hung out with Brent most of the night - almost got to see Will, but he was too tired to make the commute. So Brent and I watched a few episodes of Burn Notice, then we went to the Boulevard and split.
Today I woke up around 8am, watched a couple episodes of Lost, then proceeded to go about the various things I had to do today. I've moved into the master bedroom, which is warmer now than the basement, and also less creepy crawlers (none) to deal with. It's a much more grand room, big, the size of 1/3 of the second floor. Three big windows, 4x8 feet each, in the main room. There is a pink tile bathroom with a 6.5 foot tub, and a complete tile shower. Big casement window in there with purple stained glass and an arch. There's also a powder room that has been stripped of its fixtures, but has a 4x8 window as well as a much smaller arched window - also with purple stained glass.
Catch is I have to treat the room with respect. There is a big walnut desk, a couple of burrows that belonged to grand parents (one's mom's mothers, and one is dad's father's). I have a few posters in here, framed. The arched wooden doors have full mirrors. REALLY its a very different space than what I've grown used to, pretty much spent a year in the basement.
Today I heard from Rich Tilson which was cool and random, he's working at EMC now which is wicked. Little later Will came over for a bit and we went for a short walk and just hung out outside. Was good to see him, wish he could have stayed longer, but thats just how it goes, I hope to see him later this week.
Sunday I'm going over to see my brother's friend Josh's new motorcycle, and Monday in theory I'm going over to see AJ's 1977 Honda CB750.
Cry Havoc and Let Slip the Dogs of War!
But no, really, I'm a student to be a motorcycle mechanic, I'm 25, I write a lot, I eat less than I should, I sleep less than I should, but I like to get out and live. I don't drink, but I smoke a pipe. My sense of style is at Least 40 years out of date, I am who I am, and That's who I am.
