Today I write, or is it now. Now I write? I am in the mood to write and to think. It's more rare these days that I get to a blog - because my hands hurt all the time.

I find that I am on the verge of tears. It's not the pain so much, I can handle that - I almost never cry over the pain anymore, not even when its complete agony, which unfortunately is often. No no, the tears are for the fog that once was my mind.

I can think still, the Gabapentin - it's not like the narcotics, it leaves some of my mind alone, perhaps most of it. But I am tired, I am weary. Even when I sleep well, even then my mind is often worn out. Sometimes, sometimes I slur a bit or I mix up the words, or there is a stutter.

Last week was solid. On a Thur I went up to Keene and saw a theater production held by a good friend of mine - he and some others converted a barn into a college theater. The show was written by a student - and was absolutely excellent, it was called "Dead Flags" and about the end of the world, and a group of survivors rediscovering their humanity. The drive to Keene was hard, and the drive home was harder. But it was worth it.

Friday was a trip out to New Braintree to cut down a Christmas tree with mom. We took the Olds, it was a bit of fun mixed with some yelling - she's tired and I'm hammered. But we get along good. Been going to that same place for 10 years. I will forever go there, as long as it's open. I have so many happy memories of going with Dad, or with my brother, or by myself. Still, it was hard on the body, especially after the trip the day before.

Saturday I stretched myself even farther. I went up to UNH to meet up with my close friend Liam. I think the world of that boy, and hadn't seen him since before Summer. We met up so he could go an look at a motorcycle. A 1989 Suzuki GS500 - lovely machine, cheap, I'm happy to say that Liam is getting it. It fits him. It needs a center stand, something I will eventually provide him with. After checking out the bike we were heading back to his bicycle which was at the post office and got a call from my friend Jon who is a Nuclear Design Engineer with Westinghouse. So instead we went up to get a tour of the shops where they build power plants, and got some awesome explanations of how stuff works. My father would have been giddy as a schoolboy in that shop - bursting with questions - it humbled me, reminded me of how much I miss him.

Sunday, a day when I could barely move, Jon came down to Worcester as the new forks for the Harley had arrived. He also brought his welding rig to make new exhausts for my Suzuki GS550. It turns out they sent us the wrong forks, and it turned out that I'd need to get exhausts off of Ebay. But we did manage to get some sanding and painting done, now all the tinware for the Harley except the oil tank is a flat shit brown. Our little joke for all the weekend warriors - which Jon certainly is not one. Jon would leave tomorrow for the west coast on a '74 Sportster that will shake out your fillings - if he had time. He doesn't - he's back to Korea after Christmas to finish a plant or two. Crazyness. Brent showed up during the night and he and Jon hung me another cabinet. Good friends.

I got the Norton frame down in the basement and wrestled the Enfield engine into it along with the gearbox. It'll work.



Right now, as I type this my eyes are heavy, my brain feels all fucked up. My chest hurts, it hurts a LOT, almost keeled over earlier. My right leg is throbbing down to my foot which I can't feel, yet there are sharp pains shooting up my leg from that spot. My hands hurt, my shoulders, a digging piercing pain behind my right shoulder blade, my head is heavy. And yet my left leg - except for my big toe is Fine. Its like a giant weight of air is pressing down on me, heavy as fuck. Crushing the life out of me.


I don't enjoy this. It brings tears to my eyes. Jon is a Nuclear Design Engineer, Brent is a Helicopter Pilot, Steve is working at a high school and has plans to become a History teacher, Mike and Al are almost pharmasists. Ian's a dentist. Liam is going to have a degree that sets him up to run a camp or own a rafting company or what ever. Gary has built a theater, and is going to make it.

I could have done so much. I could have been a teacher right now. I could have been an engineer. I could have been a techie in the theater. I could have been working the last 3 years as a Chef out of one of the best Culinary Schools in the world.

What could have been is what hurts the most. I lay here and sometimes can't help but wonder how it should have worked out. Instead I lay here most of my days, in agony. Waiting for Disability to go through. Holding the debt collectors at bay. There are things people say, they say you have this great chance at SSI - and then you never hear back from them. The worst part is I don't even know how to get ahold of most of these people. I'm so scattered. I can focus sometimes for short stints of time. I'll focus when I can. I feel like I am prison. These walls the close around me and strangle me.

I'm in so much pain right now. People think you're complaining or seeking attention. I have spent Years saying "No, I'm fine" as I crumple in the corner - or keep working until I fail. They look at you like you're a failure or a freak. "Why does he still hang out around his old high school?" "Why doesn't he move on?" They see the outside - they see the shell. I hate the judgements. I hate the pain. I hate being trapped.

Friends will talk about how much they hate not being able to work, how crazy it would make them if they couldn't work on things. I can't stand this - but what choice do I have. I'm in limbo. I'm in purgetory.

I havent been able to take a bath in over a week, and I can't remember my last shower. The water from a shower beats down on you, and physical contact causes pain. Soaking in the tub helps - but getting in and out.

I'm crying now.

God I hate this. What makes me happy? Friends & motorcycles.

I have good friends. Feel like I'm going to puke. I have motorcycles. I'm getting a new one. New as in 1982. It was Liam's - it needs sprockets - which he has, a chain - which he has - and tires which he doesn't. It runs, it weighs under 400 pounds, makes 45HP. Mainly it runs and is complete - has a clear title.

The GS550 needs mufflers, the carbs need set up better, might need electrical, needs turnsignals, needs a bunch of random work.. I just don't have the money or the energy. I JUST want a bike on the road when the snow melts. So Liam is giving me the XS400 for free. Despite it being "Free" I am giving Liam half of what ever I get for the GS550. I think I can get $200 for it. For someone who has another $250 and a body that works it'd make a good bike.

Now any money I come by after the tires are had, can go into life and the Enfield/Norton.


Anyways, anyone who read this, I bow to you. I'm done for now. My left foot just woke up and hurts enough to bring tears. I have to go see Alley today - my councelor for pain management - and just SOMEONE to talk to. I also have to get to the Owl Shop and grab some more tobacco.

Anyways I'm done for now.
Again, Thank You.