Dancing with the Trains

So in our little regular TC room we go to where us young gays hang out, well we got to talking and I was bummed out and somehow got onto the subject of suicide. See? This is something I have thought about for years, I've even tried it a few times, pills, a gun. Not for a long time, but mom and I have talked about it. She understands that with all the stuff going on in my head, combined with the physical pain I'm in, well she understands that if I ever hit a breaking point, that its no one's fault, its just me hitting my limit. I know that would crush her, and my brother. I have no intention anymore... but I'm so tired. I get so tired of this sometimes that you, well...

But the way I figure it, if I was going to do it, it'd have to be full proof - it would also have to REALLY be the end of my line. See, I know for a fact that when you put a loaded gun to your head you can have doubts, and then you know its not right, but then you can also pull that trigger, even though you don't believe in what you're doing. Then again, pills, well you can take those when your head is all fucked up, but... well my god you can start feeling better before they kill you - I am convinced thats what happened to my friend Sam, and he died in my arms.

So my solution?

Dancing with the Trains.

It takes a real desire to throw yourself into a train's path. I mean sure I could just walk down the track with headphones on, listening to A Whiter Shade of Pale, or maybe Believe, or Let the Old Ways Die... or Heartland which I had on loop when I tried with the gun.

No matter how you cut it though, to get hit by a train, to me, fear would drive me out of the way unless I was fully ready to go. I would have to be one with the plan. I'd have to hit my breaking point, and pass it.

So for me thats my exit strategy, I would dance with the trains. Mind you I have no intention, this is not a cry for help, don't go getting paranoid on me. It's just... its something that had taken a lot of thought, and quite frankly this is my blog and I can write what I want.

Anyways (I just fell asleep) hee is the conversation:
[23:12] steezemuffin: its sad to think we're in a society thats sick enough to make people feel like thats the only way out....
[23:13] wizid: you mean suicide?
[23:13] wizid: or walking in front of a bus?
[23:13] steezemuffin: yeah
[23:13] wizid: if I ever go I plan to dance with the trains
[23:14] wizid: just take a nice walk on the tracks with my headphones on
[23:14] wizid: listening to Procal Harum
[23:14] wizid: I have a plan, I just cant use it
[23:14] wizid: it would kill mom
[23:15] nate1234: wait jack. u have a plan for what?
[23:15] wizid: suicide of course
[23:15] nate1234: for urself?
[23:15] wizid: I like to plan ahead
[23:16] steezemuffin: jack, I honestly wish I could offer you some light at the end of the tunnell....
[23:16] wizid: of course
[23:16] nate1234: thats terible
[23:16] wizid: I appreciate that Floyd, Matt... I really do
[23:16] wizid: I've talked to mom
[23:16] wizid: she knows that there is a chance I'm not going to make it
[23:16] wizid: I signed a DNR last year
[23:17] nate1234: not going to make it as in ur gonna kill urself or ur medical problems?
[23:17] wizid: kill myself
[23:17] wizid: I have no plan to right now
[23:17] wizid: but I have struggled with it for 14 years
[23:17] wizid: I've been in pain 24/7 for as long as I can remember, there is no end in site
[23:18] wizid: I have 3 syndromes, one will get worse
[23:18] nate1234: oh. im srry jack. i can see where ur coming from.
[23:18] wizid: I have PTSD which includes nightmares
[23:18] nate1234: how did u get ptsd>
[23:18] joe: Yeah, PTSD sucks.
[23:18] wizid: I'm afraid of physical contact and intimte relationships
[23:18] joe: good friend plus mom has it
[23:18] wizid: soooo if I do grow tired of this constant strugle
[23:19] wizid: I'm going to dance with the trains
[23:19] wizid: thats the end game, when ever it may happen
[23:19] joe: well lets hope it doesn't jack
[23:19] wizid: Nate... I got it from the rape, the fag hunt, and the porn
[23:19] joe: jesus
[23:19] wizid: among other things
[23:19] nate1234: my friend did a tour in Iraq and thats how he acquired it
[23:19] wizid: yes, most guys my age got it from war
[23:20] wizid: which sucks all on its own
[23:20] nate1234: to be honest, i cant say id be thinking any different than you if i had constant pain that would only get worse
[23:20] wizid: I've also been in bed over a year
[23:20] wizid: I love my family and my friends, I remain fairly upbeat
[23:20] wizid: you guys help a TON
[23:21] wizid: I'd be dead by now without TC/Stickam
[23:21] wizid: I'm just tired, I just want it to be over
[23:21] nate1234: im not sure how is feel or what id do. and glad to help jack
[23:21] wizid: I'm sorry for this LONG ramble
[23:21] nate1234: its not a ramble
[23:21] wizid: but I appreciate you guys listening to it
[23:22] joe: Jack, I think I can speak for about everyone, non of us mind
[23:22] wizid: thanks
[23:22] nate1234: got that right. anything, anytime
[23:22] wizid: and the meds fuck with my head
[23:22] wizid: but anyways
[23:22] wizid: I'm done, I dont even know what brought that up - Ryan was depressed earlier
[23:22] wizid: I guess it just hit me
[23:23] m1ke: :(
[23:23] joe: I hate depression...
[23:23] wizid: the funny thing is I'm not really depressed
[23:23] wizid: I'm pretty upbeat
[23:23] wizid: I... I'm just tired
[23:23] joe: Really? It's not just on the outside?
[23:23] wizid: tired of being alone, afraid of touch, afraid to sleep
[23:24] wizid: when I'm alone at night it gets bad
[23:24] wizid: demons, you know
[23:24] nate1234: porn and weed are always good friends, right?
[23:24] wizid: HAHAHA
[23:24] wizid: nahhhhh not for me
[23:25] joe: lol demons?
[23:25] wizid: weed makes me paranoid, and I know too much about porn to be entertained
[23:25] joe: what are you clay?
[23:25] wizid: OHHHHHHH NOOOO JOE!
[23:25] wizid: FUCK CLay
[23:25] joe: :D
[23:25] nate1234: they do pretty good for me.
[23:25] m1ke: whose clay
[23:25] wizid: I used that term since I was 14
[23:25] nate1234: yeah, whose clay
[23:25] m1ke: like the squishy stuff?
[23:25] wizid: its for the ghosts of my past
[23:25] steezemuffin: lol
[23:25] wizid: not evil spirits
[23:25] joe: O okay =/
[23:25] wizid: fucking Clay
[23:25] wizid: ruins everythig for me
[23:26] joe: hahaa
[23:26] joe: bastard
[23:26] wizid: Mike Clay was this idiot on the forum
[23:26] m1ke: i love clay
[23:26] wizid: who had no self esteem
[23:26] wizid: loves elbows
[23:26] steezemuffin: clay was a legend
[23:26] m1ke: i make all kinds of stuff with it
[23:26] steezemuffin: he won't be forgotten any time soon
[23:26] m1ke: Lol wtf? elbows?
[23:26] wizid: and thought demons were invading his mind
[23:26] nate1234: haha. oh, ok
[23:26] joe: Also, just a suggestion, don't ask your mom to buy you zippo fluid :P
[23:26] wizid: hahaha Joe