Incidentally for any rowers out there, or for those of us who don't row - but have had a LONG love/hate relationship with Ergometers - this song is PERFECT for blasting into your headphones as you push your body to it's limits pulling on that bar.
For the first time since I was 21 I am working my way through a case of Coca-Cola. I switched to Pepsi at the New England Culinary Institute - my short stint there, Pepsi was free with meals, but you had to pay for Coke.
You know how they say hindsight is 20/20? Well it is of course true. I can look back and see a lot of regrets. I have to keep telling myself that even if I had done everything right, my body still would have failed - its a way to dull down regrets.
Take NECI for example, my very short stint at Culinary school. I could have handled that better. I should have been sleeping more at night. I should have attempted to be more social with my classmates - make friends. I should have worked out more. I should have eaten better. But I was 21. 21 is fucking young. Hell 26 is young (no matter how old and mature I FEEL). So I drank Pepsi and stayed up late listening to music - and wore my body down even faster than would have happened anyways.
I can tell myself that I have a reason I don't sleep much (I write this at 5AM), and I have a reason that my body fails, I have a few of them.
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Tell me something, explain something to me please. WHY is it that so many people tell me I'm a special guy, I'm an inspiration. They say "I don't know how you do it" and shit like that. Well you know, I really have no choice with the whole staying sane in the basement kind of thing. There are a dozen motorcycle parts on the bed that remain uninstalled and it drives me nuts. I also often feel like a fuck up. I mean I really am. Yes I'm still alive. But I fucked up high school, I fucked up college over and over, I've fucked up friendships. I am alone. I am disabled. HOW can that be inspirational to anybody? I don't get it.
0000000
Hahahha enough of that self pity bullshit. There's no point to it. Its like worrying about some situation you may be in, you can't focus and worry about tomorrow - because you JUST don't know what's going to happen.
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I'm at a sort of a loss right now. I'm trying to find meaning. I wanted to be a Chef, I wanted to be a school teacher, I wanted to be a motorcycle mechanic, I wanted to be a techie in the theater. I wanted to be Great. I could have been Great. So what now? What can I do? What can I do with my life? I am trapped here, most of the time. There is so much... and yet...
What can I do? What is my purpose? Is it to come here and write? To write in my notebooks? To get that book written and published? Is it to listen to music and to learn the Violin? Is it to expand my mind reading every book I can get my hands on - when my hands don't hurt so bad I can't read...
They say every man needs a purpose. They say do what you love. I need to find something new. I need to get my hands on something I love that I can do down here. Maybe I can rebuild carbs and cylinder heads while in bed?
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You say I'm going to buy this place and Burn it Down
I'm going to put it six feet underground
You say I'm going to buy this place and watch it fall
Stand here beside me baby in the crumbling walls
Oh I'm going to buy this place and start a fire.....
^ Coldplay - A Rush of Blood to the Head
Feeling Uninspired
Think I'll Start a fire
Everybody Run...
Bobby's got a gun
Thin you're kinda NEAT
THEN SHE TELLS ME I'M A CREEP
^ Stone Temple Pilots - Creep
I don't need no arms around me
I don't need no drugs to calm me
I have seen the writing on the wall
Don't think I need anything at all
^ Pink Floyd - Another Brick in the Wall
Turn a Blind Eye
Why Do I deny
Medicate me
So I die Happy
^ The Exies - Ugly
You can run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on for a long time
Run on long time
Sooner or later God's gonna cut you down
Sooner or later God's gonna cut you down
^ Johnny Cash - God's Gonna Cut You Down
Oh The rules have changed today
I have no place to stay
Thinking about the subway
And the Love has flown away
My tears have come and gone
Oh my lord I have to roam
I have no home
I have no home
^ The Chambers Brothers - Time Has Come Today
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I guess you could say I am in a funky mood tonight. I have been thinking a great deal about Cody, Steve, and Wingnut. I have been thinking about Liam. I look across the room and I can see his picture on my door. Maybe in another life.
I smoke too much tobacco, and I drink too much soda. I talk to much, and I write too much. These are addictions I can't seem to feed enough of. Why can I express myself better in words than I can out loud? I have 6 subscribers here, I have never met... 6 of them. Brent - my best friend - will work his way through this, probably not the whole damned post, but he'll read some of it.
I'm going to see him in about 8 hours. Going to have my car towed to his house, then join him at the Fire Station till he gets out of work. After that, we'll be working on the car in his garage. The car has no brakes. Its been 2 weeks. Its like anything I guess. You can always rely on Brent, he's one of those rock solid friends. Fuck it, he's a brother. The only thing that separates us as being brothers is we don't share the same blood. Thats really it.
At any rate, I am going to shut up now, this has gone on FAR too long.
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A setback for the sidecar plan hit me today. I told Paul, who I had discussed my idea with the other day, and he had to admit he'd not thought of it either. A sidecar has 4 mounting points along a frame. Here (took me a few minutes to find this diagram even though I've seen it a 1000 times) you can see how it is usually done:
I hit a serious issue in that I don't have a cradle frame as seen in the above. My bike looks like this:
The engine hangs from the frame. This doesn't stop people, the way around this is making a "sub frame" a crude example can be seen here:
As you can see what the subframe really is, well it turns a non cradle frame into a cradle frame.
So the subframe will have to be designed and built before I can really think about building the sidecar, because what's the point if I can't find a way to attach it?
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