Looking at this book I bought a year ago full of guitar music, gonna learn the guitar instead of the Violin. Already have the guitar and I'm so much of an old rock'n'roller that it just makes more sense - cheaper too.
I'm feeling kind of hammered at the moment. But what else is new?
What is hope? What is it that gives me so much hope that it's all going to work out? That everything is going to turn out alright.
What right do I have to be so happy? The world is crashing down upon me and here I am smiling like an idiot.
Mom now knows all the drugs I've done, and when I did them. Didn't realize that she didn't know that I'd done them. The story of my past that she read clearly stated that I'd done Heroin when I was 15. I guess for someone who is not numb to it though, reading that notebook can be somewhat horrifying.
Yesterday Matt asked me about my past, he wanted to know because of my inability to hug anyone who is not family. I can hug family now, well immidiate family, that only took about 8 years. But others it's still too much. So he asked, and I told him it was heavy, and he still wanted to know, so I laid it out for him and ended up wanting to comfort him because he was shaking from the tale. I've lived with it all for so long that I no longer shake. I just.. I just exist, and I hope. I live in hope for the time when it will all get better. When I can sleep every night without the dreams, where I can hug and someday maybe even cuddle. I long for those days. When my body is strong, when I'm not in pain anymore. When I have a job. When the world is not crumbling and the sky is not falling down on top of me. When moving down the road that is life is like running in the summer on a clear beach, and not like fighting the wind, snow and sleet in a Blizzard.
For now I have my friends. I have my family. I have my music, my pipe tobacco, and I have my motorcycles.
Nothing else matters. Nothing else matters.
No comments:
Post a Comment