It is such a wonderful song. I saw Kyle tonight, he came by with Brent and a friend of his from BU which was really very cool. I'm so proud of "the boy" as we used to call him, even if he is now 22, and we are no longer so much older than he. Amazing the difference between 22 and 25 vs 14 and 18. But he has been my best friend for that long, since he was the boy.
He was, is my type as it were, rowed, runner, fit, smart, cute, great personality. I fell in love with him long ago, and long ago accepted his being straight and all that goes with it. The pain felt as he began to date has long since faded away.
I am a writer, and I always have been so. I have next to me 13 notebooks that have proven to be journals through the years, written in pen and ink. Something that the blogs lack. The blogs are a public journal, the notebooks were not.
I have the notebook wrapped in aluminum tape with a duct tape and electrical tape cross on the front which recounts the horrors of my past. I have the leather bound notebook with 5 sections all detailing different aspects of so many things going on at the same time, in it I just found Kyle's senior class picture.
Here's one from Nov 2006, here is an excerpt from 12:45AM Oct 25 2006
"What would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?"
I'd start a theater. Not a big one, but something solid, something where plays could be performed that make people laugh and make people cry. Something different, but the same. Attractive like a well worn pair of shoes that fit like skin.
I'm lonely. That is the heart of it all. I wish I cold find someone to grow old with. Someone to be with. I need it now.
My application and such to Fitchburg is on the way. I am excited. I will Fly in a Theater program. Something I love as much as life.
Different Notebook 8 October 2006 - 6:21PM
I've crashed today mid afternoon. Felt my body drain and down I went. Staggered in to my room and went to sleep. Dinner was just a bit ago. Mom & Al can be really hostile when they get going. I don't like it in the least.
Oct 22 2006
I am in the mood for a light hearted suicide attempt. I shall resist. Pills is for the light hearted. It's not full blown suicidal because I don't care one way or the other. If I die, cool, if I live, fine. But then I don't even have the motivation to do it. The survival is unpleasant because the pills are time release and so its hours of fucked up instead of just a couple.
Again it comes back to "Ugly", the line "Medicate Me - So I die Happy" It's a good line. Its an honest line. It's a fucked up line.
21 Dec 2006
Its now 2:50am and I am at dad's desk in the shop. The computer is off. I just jerked off thinking about Forrest.
6 Feb 2005
Right now my head is full of fear for Kyle, and I can't make it go away. Working on my college App. Listening to Biko. Want to go hit speed bag, but can't with Dad in basement. FUCK!
Bah, I can't write or read the heavy stuff, not in the mood. That's why its in books instead of here.
Anyways, I'm done for the night.
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