Progress

There has been a lot of progress, and a lot of regress as of late. Some of the progress has centered around the KZ which is seen above with the bottom end in the frame, this was accomplished with the help of my friend Paul this afternoon. That engine is HEAVY. It's a 4 cylinder and a lot of steel, aluminum, and such. A true work of art from the 70s. Paul is a hell of a lot stronger than I am, a bicycle racer among other things. Good friend, 5'9" weighs 142, and all muscle. Where as I'm 6'5", weighing in at 139 and all skin and bone. But I'm not as weak as I look. 

In other progress I faxed my birth certificit to the Health people and with luck that should allow me to progress the trip to having health care. I wait with tired anticipation for that to pan out. Both the health insurance and the disability benefits. It has been so many times that I have been let down when my hopes have been raised. Be it with school, life, a boy, my health, help from the outside, people in general... I have had a lot of let downs in my short time on this planet, so my hope is raw and tender. But still I hope, because without hope... where are we?

As to regression. I now spend at least half the day hobbling about with the aid of a cane. I have a nice cane, a good $20 made in Germany wooden cane with a Derby handle, which is easier on the hand than the round handle that many people picture. I use it mostly on the right because my right arm is stronger - probably from all those lonely nights :P

I have been in a lot more pain these last few weeks. My joints ACHE. My hands especially. My whole body feels so old and brittle, as does my soul. I am weary and worn out, like a tired old man, and yet I am only 25. There is something terribly wrong with that. I look at these old people out in the streets walking along unaided by canes and I feel oh so bitter at the lives they have lead. I wonder if I will ever be an old man, or if I will die before I reach my 40s? That is to me a most hopeful outlook, I don't usually allocate myself out of my 30s. 

And still I smile and grin, and when ever I am capable I am outside fiddling with something or down here trying to make progress in the basement. But it seems these last days all progress has stopped dead. 

I feel useless and say it's all in my head, and then I try to get up and move about and the pain strikes me down again. What's that old saying? Mind over Body? Try having a mind that could be capable of anything trapped in a body that just won't perform. It's incredibly frustrating. But you just have to laugh. Laugh all the anger away. It's the only way to live.