Pain.

I don't feel so hot today. I've been catching up on season enders for the shows I care about. I was more impressed with House than Glee. 24 should be ending soon. Been watching a lot of Weeds as of late.

I'm in a fair share of pain right now.


I dislike feeling like this extremely. The doctors, they said that something that goes with PTSD is that your body tenses up in certain situations, its sort of like a coping mechanism. I'm not explaining this very well. There was a lot of shit between 11 and 16 years old. And a fair amount of shit after that. They think that my body doesn't know how to relax. They are treating the Fibro, and the Klinefelters with medications, and they are treating the PTSD the best they can, but its going to be a long time.

The hardest thing is not being in control. I have no control. If my mother decided I needed to be put in a home, she could probably do it. If mom decided to move to South Carolina then I'd have to go. If the Gov cuts my health care. My body..

I can't fucking deal with this. But I have to. No choice. I sometimes wish I did smoke pot. Then I could just zone out, and god knows it would help the pain. But I can't do that. I can't take real pain meds. I can't hang myself. I can't fucking run. It gets harder and harder to remain amused. The show House nailed it tonight. Talking about what being in pain everyday does to you. I'm fighting. But fucking hell.

I don't want to play anymore. I just want to wake up every morning feeling like I should. I'd work some shit job the rest of my life and live in an apartment and fucking walk to work if I had to if I could just not be in pain anymore. I'd trade everything I own not to be in pain anymore.

I wouldn't trade my friends, and I wouldn't trade my memories - not even the horrific ones - because everything we experience shapes us. I like who I am. I just hate the pain.

Fuck it.