Wow another...

Listening to "thrash unreal" because frankly I like the song.

I'm not overly excited right now, 3 bottles of piss on the speaker next to me, and half a can of Pepsi.

I like the people who think thats disgusting. Our society has taken on such an interesting feeling towards being clean, and what is ok, and what isn't. The piss doesn't smell, doesn't effect anything, might as well be a glass of water. But its not clear, so we find it revolting. We jerk off, we piss, some of us suck dicks and swallow what comes out, and yet a bottle of piss is disgusting.

I also sort of get a kick out of people who are so big on being totally clean. I get the wanting to Look Good, I do, I really do. But to be totally fair.. its not actually necessary. We have people who wash before every meal, take 2-3 showers a day, scrub everything, wash clothes, all of that because what? Germs?

I have a dirty little secret for you. I haven't had a shower in months (I do take baths almost every day). My hands tend to be stained with grease doesn't matter if I'm eating. My clothes hang on my frame for days (I would like to say when I have to be somewhere I clean up). But what I'm saying is, besides me already health issues - I almost Never get sick. I don't get flu shots, I don't do any of this preventative stuff that everyone is so big on, I'm a scrub, most clean freaks would expect some sickness to kill me down here, and yet... I'm fine.

I think our society has become WAY too obsessed with being clean. There's nothing wrong with it necessarily, but there's also nothing wrong with being dirty. Not from the getting sick stand point.


All the same though I feel like death. I am improving though, I'm up to 149 pounds. I don't feel well. I don't mean to complain. I ache all over and I have this pain behind my right shoulder blade... my knuckles - I feel like I just walked out of a fist fight. This is the epitome of uncool.

I also tried to befriend a SJ grad who happens to be gay. I don't want anything from him besides another friend. I have 3 local gay friends and two are dating each other and I rarely see them. The other is awesome, and family, but not in my age group. This guy was, and we've had a couple good conversations. But well, it didn't work. He ignored me completely. I guess thats the easiest way to "not hurt someone's feelings" or well, I don't know. Its not like I want to sleep with him. I just don't have very many gay friends, because well, I don't exactly come off that way, and I just, all my friends were stage crew guys. Fuck I don't know. I have this desire to have more gay friends. I don't have any intention of replacing my current friends, and I don't want gay friends who are practically girls... I just... I can't lean over to Ducci and say "wow, look at him" Brent's so easy going I actually could do that with him (and have) but I don't know.

Fuck it, I'm just lonely. I'm tired. I haven't had anything resembling an intimate relationship with another guy in 11 years.

Anyways, I'm done.